


Silent Tears

by Debbydev



Category: GOT7
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2018-02-13
Packaged: 2018-12-15 19:32:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11812728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Debbydev/pseuds/Debbydev
Summary: Mark struggles in leading a life of an idol and struggles being in love with his straight best friend. He makes the decision of leaving GOT7 and bids farewell to the idol life when he can't take it anymore.He thinks he has left it all behind, but he couldn't be more wrong.





	1. A Painful Farewell

‘What is this?’ Jb’s voice resounded in their dorm. He was holding the cancelled contract letter in his hand, as he stared at Mark in utter disbelief

He expected his leader to be angry and hateful but he sounded more frustrated and shocked than anything.

‘It’s exactly what you think it is’ Mark replied softly, clutching his shoulder bag tightly and his eyes fixed on the floor. He didn’t have to strength to look at Jb and answer the questions he knows is coming his way. That’s why he picked now of all time, when all the members are out and he is alone with him, to break the news to their leader that he is quitting the band.

‘Why?’ his voice sounded so broken and dejected that it made Mark look up at him, only to avert his eyes the next second.

Why? How is he supposed to answer that question? He knew he would ask this but how should he explain how out of place he has been feeling for the past year? Feeling like he has nothing to offer to the group and how replaceable he is.

He couldn’t say that it wouldn’t make a difference if he was here or not. His inability to bond and talk lead him to being neglected and ignored by the rest of the group. The worst part is that none of them even intend to ignore or offend him anyway, it just happens and like Jackson said, he really is like a wall and while he tried to smile and laugh along with the rest of them at the comment, it hurt. After a while he got used to it but wanted to escape all this nevertheless. He grew tired of crying himself to sleep every night. At least away from all the stardom and cameras, he won’t have to feel bad about being the way he is.

Staying here day by day it was killing him, feeling like you are not enough for anything, no matter how many compliments you hear, it’s never enough when you come back to your room and fight the urge to scream your lungs out just because of the way you are. He didn’t belong here.

But how was he supposed to say this to Jaebum? No, he didn’t need to hear this so he came up with a simple yet honest answer that summed up his emotions.

‘Because I’m not happy’ Mark confessed with a trembling voice while looking straight at Jb this time. Mark must have looked as broken as he sounded because Jaebum faltered and didn’t doubt his claim.

‘Did we do something? Are you upset at any of the members? At me?’ Jaebum’s pleading was making this very hard for Mark. He was not used to seeing the usually calm and poised leader look so devastated. He felt guilty for being the cause of it but he knew this was for the better.

He shook his head and gave a small smile ‘No, you guys are my only family here and I love you all a lot. More than you know’ He whispered the last part

‘Then WHY Mark? damn it why?!’ Jb yelled sounding absolutely distraught, making Mark flinch

‘I’m sorry, I really am. I can’t-I don’t want to stay here anymore, I have nothing to offer to GOT7, trust me nothing will be different-‘ He paused at Jaebum’s sharp glare but continued when he realized that he needed to get this done before the other members were back.

‘You all are so talented, nothing will come in the way of your success, certainly not me. I will always support you guys, no matter where I am and how I am.’ Mark said firmly with so much sincerity that Jaebum had to fight back tears.

‘How about us?’ Jb said with a challenging stare after a pause

‘What do you mean?’

‘US! Forget the fame, the fans, this whole business. What about the six of us? We are friends first and then idols! You said we are your family? So what’s making you leave your family so early in the journey? What is the reason you are so unhappy Mark? What did we do for you to abandon us like this?’

Mark shrunk back from Jb’s outburst and averted his eyes from him again, but Jb wasn’t done.

‘If you are feeling insecure, then talk to us! Let us reassure you that we need you and want you here with us! Don’t just make such big and rash decisions on your own! We are in this together, how could you be so inconsiderate and selfish?’

The accusation had Mark seeing red as he glared at Jb menacingly.

‘Really? You guys want me here huh? You care so much about me? Then let me tell you something that you probably don’t know. See this bag?’ Mark said pointing at his shoulder bag ‘Yeah wonder why I only have this when I’m supposed to be moving out right now? Because I have been moving all my stuff to my new apartment for the past month! This right here is all I have left! In fact I’ve been spending more time there than here but no one even noticed, which sadly isn’t even surprising to me anymore’

He let out a mirthless laugh at Jaebum’s dumbfounded expression. Jaebum was about to say something but Mark cut him off

‘Do you wanna know why? Do you know why you or any of the members have no idea about this? That’s because I’m invisible Jaebum! Not in the superpower-superhero way, but in the no-one cares and no one gives a damn way!’ Mark’s tears were threatening to fall as words started spilling out of his mouth without his control.

‘Do you think I made this decision overnight? To leave a band that’s slowly tasting success? To abandon a career that’s so financially rewarding? To throw away hopes and dreams away just when they are about to be fulfilled? This isn’t just about my insecurities. I’m tired. I’m tired of pretending I fit it in here! You want to take care of me? If I stay here longer, there won’t be a ‘me’ to take care of Jaebum because it’s killing me. Slowly!’

Jaebum swallowed nothing as guilt pooled his stomach. Being a leader he was supposed to know what the members are going through and help them get through it and he clearly failed. But most importantly, seeing Mark so vulnerable and broken in front of him, he realized that he failed as a friend.

‘Look Jaebum’ Mark said taking a deep breath and trying to calm himself ‘I don’t blame you or any other members. I’m not made to be an idol or to be in the showbiz. You all have that quality that makes you a star in front of the cameras and even behind the cameras. I don’t have that and I don’t want to hate myself for it. I want to accept myself the way I am with my flaws and I can’t do it here. Yes, it might be weird in the beginning for you guys to go on without a member especially since our name is GOT7, but in the long run it won’t matter and even you know that’ ’

‘Mark, can you imagine how this will affect the rest of the group? Think about Jackson, Bam! Think about Jinyoung! If you think none of us have cared enough about you then what about Jinyoung? Are you blind to not see that?’

Mark stiffened at the mention of Jinyoung and quickly turned around from Jaebum so he couldn’t see the tears that finally streamed down his face.

‘I know he does, and I’m grateful for that. Let him know that, will you?’

He was grateful. The younger was one of the nicest people he has ever met and had helped Mark on every step of this rocky journey. He considered Jinyoung one of the most special people in his life yet he is also one the main reasons why he decided to leave. Maybe it was his never ending kindness and affection, or his gentleness when taking care of Mark, or his eye-crinkling smile that left Mark breathless but it made Mark fall for him. Hard. Yes, he was in love with Jinyoung. His straight male band mate who was also one of his best friends. The realization had terrified him and it still does. The fear of what will happen if Jinyoung finds out? Will he be disgusted? Will he look at Mark like he is abnormal and a freak? How will rest of the group react? These thoughts totally threw the idea of confessing out of the window. No, he could never have that. He could never have Jinyoung like that. Knowing that Jinyoung is brought up with traditional Korean values, the best case scenario possible is him being cool with it and agreeing to still remain friends. But friendship is and will never be enough when you are so deeply in love. It’s better this way. Going away so you don’t have to face Jinyoung and pretend it doesn’t hurt when he performs skinship with other members even if it’s just for fanservice or the thought that some day he is going to find a girl as beautiful as he is and live his life happily without him. He needs to move on.

‘No’ Jaebum snapped, interrupting Mark from his train of thoughts ‘Why don’t you do that on your own? If you are so adamant on leaving, don’t you think they at least deserve a goodbye from you?’

Mark sighed and wiped his face with the sleeves of his shirt. Turning around he wrapped his arms around Jb and buried his face in his shoulders. They could feel each other shaking and when Mark sniffed, Jb finally broke down and hugged him just as tightly.

‘Mark….please…’ Jb whispered pleadingly even though he knew there was no stopping him now.

Mark pulled back slowly and looked at Jaebum and for the first time that day Jaebum saw how truly beaten Mark looked. There were bags under his eyes, he was paler than usual and he was all skin and bones. But none of that could compare to how lifeless his eyes looked; the same eyes that used to sparkle and scatter rich smiles. What went wrong?

Mark swallowed as he realized this was it. It was time to say goodbye.

‘Jaebum, I love you all and I always will. I need to go because I need to find myself. If I stay here, I won’t be here. I don’t have the courage to face the others, especially Jinyoung. I hope you all will find a way to forgive me someday. Please…….please don’t hate me. I can’t-I won’t be able to handle it. Please Jaebum tell me you won’t hate me. That they won’t hate me. Please!’

He was crying at this point but he didn’t care. He lost his cool way earlier so now it easier to set aside his ego and beg Jaebum for this. 

Jaebum was struggling to find his voice so he nodded weakly and embraced Mark in another bone crushing hug that had Mark sobbing harder.

‘Come back when you’re ready…..we will wait for you’ Jaebum whispered, his voice hoarse from crying but not lacking any sincerity.

For a second, Mark questioned his decision but shot that doubt as soon as he thought about Jinyoung and the group finding out about his sexuality which even he wasn’t sure of.

Mark nodded and smiled at Jb before finally making his way to the door.

What he didn’t know was that there was another presence in the dorm and that a certain raven haired vocalist had been listening to their blowup and their heartfelt goodbyes through the gap of the door of his room with silent tears running down his cheeks yet eyes filled with a strange determination.


	2. Beyond Desolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark settles in his new apartment and begins to accepts his new reality, but life had other plans.

Mark entered his new apartment unhurriedly with a heavy heart; his tears had dried off on their own as he glanced around his new home. He felt numb as he proceeded to his room in the same pace, putting down his shoulder bag and taking off his jacket, he immediately slumped on his new bed.

His room was spacious, beautifully appointed and just overall very comfortable. His dad had bought this room when Mark’s brother decided to study here in Korea but now that his high school was done, he went back to the States to enroll in university, leaving this amazing place unoccupied. But, obviously he wasn’t in his right mind to admire his living arrangements, especially when he thinks about how he is going to have a roommate. An idol (well now an ex-idol) living with a roommate? The idea seemed pretty outrageous to Mark but his dad didn’t see anything wrong with it.

‘If you want to live a normal life, this would be a good start. You can’t start living an ordinary life with the attitude and tantrums of an idol. It’s a good way to keep you grounded’ His dad had said when once he voiced out his doubts

After some convincing he agreed, mostly because he didn’t want to leave this place and buy another one. He had to hold on to whatever finances he had, considering he was unemployed at the moment and any careless spending could soon leave him penniless, especially since he had the habit of spending money like water. He didn’t want to take his family’s assistance in this matter (well he did with this apartment, but no more).

He wanted to start fresh, create an identity for himself but he knew it won’t be easy. The press and the fans alone would take a lot of time to digest the news of his departure.

Mark sighed as he thought that the paparazzi, the fans, and even the members might be able to move on from this one day but will he be able to do the same? He didn’t know what tomorrow held and uncertainty was clawing at his sense of security relentlessly.

There was too much to think about. What will he do now? Will fans hate him? Will they demand answers? If they do and they probably will, what will he say? What’s his official statement? Will the members hate him? Will they call him a coward? How will Jinyoung react?

At the thought of Jinyoung, he shut his eyes to stop himself from crying again. The younger male had shown him so much sincerity, showered him with so much love and comforted him whenever needed that Mark felt like he betrayed their friendship. He knew that he was being unfair to him, he had subtly started avoiding him ever since he realized what he was feeling for Jinyoung wasn’t brotherly love, but what else could he do? He wasn’t good at masking his emotions and if he stayed one day Jinyoung would definitely find out about his feelings. His theories were strengthened the day he ended up looking up the #markjin posts on Twitter and while a lot of the posts made him smile, fans pointing out his gloomy faces during Jinson interactions also made it disappear. He was not doing a good enough job at hiding his emotions and so his fear just grew.

He even tried to see what Jinyoung’s stance was on same-sex relationships by discreetly commenting on how fans were shipping Jackson and Bambam romantically.

‘Oh my god that’s disgusting! That’s so wrong, they’re like brothers for god’s sake’ was Jinyoung’s answer and maybe it was because Bambam really was like Jackson’s brother or maybe not but that didn’t stop Mark’s stomach from dropping.

He knew it wasn’t enough to assume that Jinyoung was against same-sex relationships and he could just straight up ask what he thinks about it but he lacked the courage. He knew the weight of Jinyoung’s answer and it could potentially destroy him so it was better he didn’t find out. Just the mental picture of Jinyoung looking at him with hateful eyes made his heart clench and eyes water.

Lying here in the bed of this new apartment, he wondered if Jinyoung hated him now anyway for abandoning them? He didn’t give any of them the address of this place so he didn’t need to worry about them dropping by but he couldn’t help but feel uneasy at thought of facing them in any given circumstance.

His thoughts were interrupted when his stomach suddenly growled and he realized that he hasn’t eaten anything since morning. Without the members, his routine would definitely be different and he won’t be able to rely on anyone to take care of him. Putting away that depressing thought and accepting his desolation as a new friend, he made his way to the kitchen to get something to eat. He briefly peeked at the other room, reserved for his roommate and sighed in relief when he found it empty. He wasn’t really ready to be in contact with another human being for at least a day, or week, or a month, ok maybe forever. Curse his antisocial personality.

His roommate was apparently supposed to move in tomorrow so he had a day to get his shit together. He grabbed the packet of ramen hastily and began cooking, pushing away all thoughts that didn’t have anything to do with satisfying his hunger.

He made a mental note to expand his culinary skills otherwise he would have to live on ramen and take outs for the rest of his life.

With his ramen done, he settled himself in the kitchen island and the moment his chopsticks touched his tongue, there was a gentle knock on the door.

Furrowing his brows, he stayed in his place having a mental struggle on who could it be. His roommate was not supposed to be here today, the members don’t know of this place and his family are back in the States. Could it be the paparazzi? Some stalker-ish fan? Shit did someone follow him here from their dorm?

His heart sped up and he jumped when the knock came again, louder this time and Mark gripped his chopsticks tighter. He slowly made his way to the door with the chopsticks in his hand. If it was any one dangerous, he planned to stab them with it

The persistent knocking came again, and taking a deep breath and raising the chopsticks higher, he opened the door to face the intruder.

He eyes first landed on the rather large suitcase in his doorstep that looked kind of familiar and when the person cleared his throat to get his attention, Mark froze. He knew this voice all too well. He started visibly shaking and it took every ounce of his will to get him to look up and face what he was dreading to face all this time. When he finally looked up, his heart stopped and so did time.

They stared at each other wordlessly, as a slow smile worked into the other’s face while Mark remained frozen where he was with his eyes wide, mouth agape, and his arm holding the chopsticks in midair.

‘Hi hyung, I’m your roommate’ the man announced softly, finally breaking the silence with the smile on his face, the same smile Mark fell in love with, the same smile he would die to see every day, and the same smile that’s giving him trouble to breathe at the moment.

Why is this happening?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd that's the second chapter! Let me know what you guys think ^^ 


	3. Stuck With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark tries to deal with the unexpected turn of events a.k.a his new roomie.

Blindingly bright. That’s what Mark always thought looking at Jinyoung was like. The latter’s smile was filled with so much of light and warmth that Mark felt like it could spit life into anything he even slightly looked at.

Right now as he remained frozen, breathing unevenly at the sight in front of him, Jinyoung’s smile stayed just as bright and powerful. He didn’t understand this reaction. Too shocked to process the words Jinyoung said, too shocked to notice the hidden emotions Jinyoung’s smile was masking and too shocked to understand the meaning of it all.

‘Well, are you not even going to let me come in?’ Jinyoung said, his gaze intense but his voice patient

‘J-Jinyoung’ Mark finally managed to breathe out

Jinyoung just smiled in response, it wasn’t a happy smile, but it was a meaningful one, holding way too many emotions for Mark to detect. Mark couldn’t understand why he was smiling in the first place? He expected him to be furious with him for quitting without letting them know, scream at him for abandoning them when they swore they would stick together, accuse him of betrayal for everything he did! Nothing was making any sense. And did he say roommate? What’s that about? He just wanted to go back to eating his ramen in peace. He could hear his ramen calling out to him. Oh how he missed his ramen

‘You don’t actually plan on hurting me with those, do you?’ Jinyoung asked after Mark didn’t say anything, pointing to chopsticks that remained tightly in Mark’s grasp

Mark gulped nervously and reluctantly turned around, putting the chopsticks in the kitchen island and allowing Jinyoung to enter the apartment in the process.

After glancing around, Jinyoung let out a sound of appreciation, making Mark turn around and face him.

‘This place is so big and pretty, you have good taste Mark hyu-’

‘Why are you here Jinyoung?’ Mark asked through gritted teeth, frustrated with Jinyoung’s casual behavior. He knew it was a show, but didn’t understand what the younger was thinking.

Jinyoung pouted at being interrupted and that just further increased Mark’s agitation. Does he think this is some sort of joke?

‘What do you mean? I told you, I’m your roommate’ He pointed plainly it out like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

‘What are you playing at Jinyoung?’ His patience was running low but Jinyoung seemed absolutely calm and firm with his statements.

‘What? This apartment looks very comfortable-

‘Yeah well you don’t need to make yourself comfortable here’ Mark interrupted him again, more harshly than he intended. He saw a flicker of hurt in Jinyoung’s eyes but it was gone the next second, replaced by a mocking smile.

‘Ah hyung, isn’t that a little rude? I paid for this room you know’ he declared, pointing at the direction of vacant room located right opposite Mark’s room.

Mark was confused beyond words

‘What? Why?’ he asked incredulously,

Jinyoung just shrugged in response, making his way to the living room ‘I don’t know, like I said it’s a pretty place’ he said, sending another smile Mark’s way and taking a seat in the couch.

Mark exhaled loudly, telling himself not to yell at the younger. Whatever Jinyoung was trying to pull off was his fault anyway. He needed to deal with this calmly.

He sat beside Jinyoung and sighed.

‘Do the others know you’re here?’ Mark asked, curious and actually wanting to know

‘Jaebum hyung does’ he paused ‘the rest will know soon. Word spreads fast right?’ He said with a lopsided grin

‘Jinyoung listen’ Mark said as calmly as possible. Jinyoung turned so he was facing Mark properly, a pensive look on his face as if he expected this. Mark continued nevertheless, taking this opportunity to say the goodbye he failed to say to him but wanted to.

‘I don’t know how much you know but I decided to leave-’ he started but Jinyoung cut him off

‘You left the idol life, asked JYP to terminate your contract like a month ago, the same time you started shifting to this lovely apartment that your brother lived in earlier, broke the news to Jaebum hyung alone this morning so you won’t have to face the other members and made sure no one had your address to track you down. Have I got the main gist of it hyung?’

Mark stared at him bewildered, he was taken aback, not just by how much Jinyoung knew about all this but also by the emotionless way he stated everything. Kinda like a robot reciting a poem.

He swallowed and nodded in reply, not being able to hold Jinyoung’s piercing gaze ‘Y-Yes, you got it. But then I hope you know that I don’t plan on coming back’

When Jinyoung just nodded in response, Mark bit his lip to stop him from screaming at the younger’s blank reactions

‘Seriously Jinyoung’ He pressed ‘I left for a reason so whatever you think you are doing, coming her-’

‘I know hyung. I know’ Jinyoung interrupted, looking Mark dead in the eyes to show that he means what he is saying

‘Then what are you doing here? And please answer me properly. You should be in the dorm practicing the new - wait Oh my god you didn’t quit, did you?’ Mark suddenly horrified at the thought but Jinyoung remained void of any emotion

‘Why? If you can leave, then why can’t I?’ He asked, his lips pursed and eyes narrowed but his expression softened when he saw the panicked look on Mark’s face. He sighed and shook his head

‘Calm down hyung, I didn’t quit. I don’t think we can handle the loss of two members at the same time’ He said, slightly smiling at Mark, who was still too appalled by thought of destroying multiple careers by his one move. He always thought that they would not face any problem because of his quitting, maybe a few bumps in the beginning but nothing major. He became aware of how he could have ruined all of their lives just because he didn’t have the guts to entertain the worst case scenario. It was a brutal realization, one that left him devastated but also guiltier than ever

‘Hyung’ Jinyoung said softly, tugging at the fabric of his shirt tenderly to get his attention, as if he was scared that a little bit of force might break Mark. He looked up at him and almost whimpered at how Jinyoung’s eyes seemed to be sparkling with worry and affection. This was the Jinyoung he knew. The one who treated everyone with so much kindness and love. However, Jinyoung’s love for Mark wasn’t the kind he wished for and that thought brought reality crashing over him. He blinked rapidly to control the tears that were threatening to fall. He had to be strong, even if he actually wasn’t.

‘Then why are you staying here Jinyoung? When did you pay for the room? How did you know of this place in the first place?’ He managed to get these questions out in a steady voice

Jinyoung just sighed and leaned back on the couch, taking his sweet time to talk

After a while, he looked at Mark with a hint of guilt in his eyes.

‘I’m sorry hyung’ he said quietly, but sincerity evident in his voice

Mark furrowed his brows. He expected answers, not an apology ‘What? Why?’

Jinyoung bit his lip and swallowed visibly, his gaze fixed on his hands, which he clenched and unclenched nervously.

‘I wish I was there for you before you started giving up on us’ He said almost inaudibly ‘You would be at practice with puffy eyes, looking completely broken yet I didn’t do anything’

Mark averted his eyes ‘You did, you asked me couple of times if I was okay. It’s not your fault that I can’t open up to people’

‘Yeah I did ask, and when you lied and said you were fine, that it was just the stress, or lack of sleep or some other pathetic excuse, I didn’t say anything more. I knew you were lying yet I didn’t dig deeper’ Jinyoung looked at Mark ‘You have no idea how much I regret that. If I had been there for you…….if only I had been a better friend, then we wouldn’t be sitting here today’ He said smiling sadly

Mark shook his head but Jinyoung wasn’t finished

‘You grew quieter, if that’s even possible’ he continued with the same sad smile ‘and tried to avoid us or was it just me?’ he asked, quirking his eyebrows

Warmth crawled up his neck with the realization that Jinyoung knew more than he thought. He had been watching him and now he was unloading questions that he feared.

‘You’re too perceptive for your own good, so it was safer for me to stay away’ Mark replied with a faint smile

Jinyoung chuckled darkly, looking at Mark wistfully ‘I realized that something was wrong too late. You had already built a wall around you and wouldn’t let me in. So I tried to stay with you in a different way’

Mark looked at him puzzled yet again. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Did my fair share of research which basically was me following you without you noticing and found out almost everything I needed to know. I’m sorry if that’s creepy but you left me with no choice.’ Jinyoung said, looking not at all sorry

Mark didn’t know what to feel, why was the younger doing any of this?

‘So….so you knew, you knew I was going to…….’ He trailed off when Jinyoung nodded slightly

‘I knew you were going to move out from the dorm and move in here, I knew you ended the contract and completed all process with the company, and I knew you would leave to come here almost every day when you thought no one was watching’

Mark was dumbfounded and unable to form words to react to this news. Jinyoung didn’t mind because he had a lot more to say

‘I also knew that talking to you and trying to convince you to stay will be fruitless. I know how firm you are with your decisions and if you decided to do something this big, there must be a reason. Maybe I would have stopped you if I found out about what you were planning before you ended the contract but like I said; I realized it all too late’

Mark covered his face with his hands to stop himself from screaming. This caring personality is what made him fall for Jinyoung in the first place. He felt a rush of gratitude; knowing he cared so much and did so much for him was making this so much harder.

‘Jinyoung’ his voice came out a bit shaky and he cursed himself for that ‘Jinyoung, you didn’t need to do any of that. You’re not my bodyguard or my guardian angel, and I’m not your responsibility’ He said bitterly

‘No, but I’m your friend and friends look after each other. I love you. We all love you, but we did a crappy job at showing it’

Mark was going to argue but again Jinyoung cut him off

‘I know you think no one notices you, no one cares and no one needs you back’

Mark looked down at his hands, not even bothered to be surprised on how Jinyoung knows that

‘But that’s why I’m here hyung; to prove you wrong. I’ll stay as long as it takes to make you realize your worth to yourself’

Mark’s head snapped back up

‘Wait wait hold on, you’re not actually planning on staying here right?’

Jinyoung grinned ‘As long as it takes’

‘No Jinyoung, I won’t let you do that. I'm fine and you have to leave!’

‘I’m sorry hyung, but I paid quite a lot for this place and you can’t kick me out even if you want to, the owner will be pissed.’

Mark was annoyed now

‘Then.I.will.move.out’ He said through gritted teeth

Jinyoung’s smile faltered a little

‘Then I'll follow you' his determination unwavering, making Mark sigh in frustation

'Why hyung? Why do you want me gone so bad? I told you I won’t force you to come back. I will help you here and give you space when needed. Why me being here is bothering you so much?’

Because I’m hopelessly in love with you idiot!

‘You’re going to harm your career if you live here-’

‘No I’m not. The dorm is only a bit far from here and I don’t think we have shortage of transport vehicles’

Mark opened his mouth to protest but again for the millionth time that day, Jinyoung cut him off

‘Don’t make more excuses. I’m not leaving whether you like it or not. You’re stuck with me and you just have to learn how to deal with it’ He said sternly, his eyes sharp like daggers. Park Jinyoung could be intimidating when he wanted to. 

Mark sighed defeatedly and nodded. Jinyoung’s demeanour completely changed and he broke into one of his eye-crinkling smiles that made Mark feel like he could pass out any second.

‘So you got any food? Oooh I can smell ramen’ Jinyoung hopped off the couch and walked to the kitchen looking around and rambling about how he was starving, Mark honestly couldn’t keep up. He was too lost in thought how he got into this situation. He couldn’t accept the reality. He thought he had escaped it all, but it stuck with him like a gum. Maybe Jinyoung will leave after a few days when he sees there is no hope for Mark, although Jinyoung was one of the most stubborn people he had ever met so predicting things like that was unwise.

He was being too optimistic or pessimistic, he didn’t know. Did he want him to leave? That’s the thing about one sided love stories: he wants to stay with Jinyoung, have him care for him, let him do the same for him but he also wants to run away because he knows his feelings won’t be returned, his heart will be broken and he won’t have a happy ending.

He glanced at now Jinyoung’s room and inwardly groaned.

He didn’t know how he was going to survive this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked the new chapter! I'm trying to improve so please bear with me ^^ Thank you so much for reading and leaving all those lovely comments, keeps me motivated haha <3 


	4. Lost and Brave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> New reality with unwanted questions and some more trouble

It was a Monday morning and Mark was sprawled out in his bed, wide awake staring at the ceiling and wondering how the fuck did he end up in such a messed up situation.

Jinyoung had moved in yesterday despite the older’s continuous protests and now Mark didn’t know what to do. He didn’t have any work that could distract him from this dreadful living arrangement and no courage to leave his bed and face what lies beyond his room. He decided it was a good idea to stay cooped up here until he knows for sure Jinyoung left for his idol duties.

He wanted to hate the younger for making him feel like this. It would be so easy. Hate is so easy. Too bad he got tangled up in a much more complicated emotion and all he could think about is that Jinyoung is here, living with him because of him. It wasn’t some formality; he went out of his way to care for Mark. He knew that Jinyoung will face a lot of inconveniences because of his decision to live away from the team and yet he was so determined to stay. For Mark.

Mark groaned and buried his face in the pillow. Maybe he should stop being a selfish prick and respond to all the loving gestures Jinyoung has made ever since he arrived – show a hint of the gratitude he feels. He might end up getting hurt but at least it’s better than hurting Jinyoung for doing so much for him even though he doesn’t deserve it. And who knows if Jinyoung sees Mark is no longer a depressed soul, he might leave him alone.

Plus, it comes with the added benefit of walking to the kitchen right now and filling his empty stomach that has been growling like a monster for the past hour. Yep, that’s a good reason to play nice: Food.

After a minute or two of mental struggle, his hunger won out and he decided to freshen up and leave his room to attack the kitchen.

He opened the door of his room quietly and sneaked a peek at the living room, eyes scanning for Jinyoung. He stepped out stealthily and released the breath he didn’t even know he was holding. He made his way to the kitchen, his steps careful and body fully alert but after a while it was clear that Jinyoung had left for the day and that made Mark relieved and disappointed at the same time. Before he could punch himself for feeling disappointed, he saw a plate of food in the kitchen island, covered with a note on top:

Good morning hyung. Made you some breakfast. Eat well ^^

His heart clenched at this gesture and he bit his lip as he started feeling a buildup of emotions within him the more he stared at the note and the plate of food in front of him. Before he could stop, a single tear made his way down his face, his vision suddenly blurry yet a sad smile on his face. It wasn’t something to cry about but Mark was having a hard time keeping all those pent up emotions in check and these days they have been emerging without any warning.

Shaking his head at his own reaction, he uncovered the food and started eating the pancakes Jinyoung had made for him, ignoring the unrelenting stab of pain that made him want to break down.

The day went uneventfully; Mark searched online for possible jobs (unsuccessfully of course since he was a high school dropout) or just laid in the couch being unproductive and thinking about Jinyoung. It was hard for him to admit but he loved it when Jinyoung took care of him like this; even without being around, Jinyoung always had a way to make Mark feel wanted. No one treated him the way Jinyoung did, which is why it meant the world to him. But that was the younger’s charm: he was caring and kind to everyone and Mark had to keep reminding himself that he wasn’t special – special enough to be his one of his closest friends yes but not special enough to be the only one in the receiving end of Jinyoung’s care and love. He had to stop being so greedy and start learning to be satisfied with what they are now and will be forever: Friends. If he doesn’t want all these cute gestures to disappear, for Jinyoung to disappear, he would have to keep his emotions bottled up even if it hurts.

With nothing to do and bored out of his mind, his eyelids got heavier and within five minutes he drifted off.

He was woken up by someone poking his cheeks and the sound of his favorite voice giggling. Oh.

OH!

His eyes flew wide to see Jinyoung’s face inches away from his. He quickly backed away so that they were not invading each other’s personal space. Jinyoung was grinning, enjoying the disoriented and flustered look on Mark’s face as Mark pushed him off more to get some more space so he can finally breathe. He rubbed the sleep off his eyes and looked at Jinyoung who still looked amused.

‘When did you come?’ his voice was hoarse so he had to clear his voice to make his sentence comprehensible

‘Like fifteen minutes earlier’

‘Why didn’t you wake me up then?’

Jinyoung scoffed ‘I tried but you’re heavy sleeper hyung’

‘Plus it’s entertaining to watch you sleep’ he added after a pause, amusement clear in the younger’s voice

Mark raised his eyebrows

‘Park Jinyoung, first you stalk me and now you’re telling me you like to watch me sleep, when did you get this creepy?’ His voice light but he maintained his poker face

Jinyoung chuckled, a hint of pink in his cheeks before he looked at Mark and smirked

‘Well because you know’ he paused for a dramatic effect ‘you sleep talk!’

Mark froze.

Oh no   
please no.   
What did he spill?   
He must have said something, Jinyoung looks too smug, oh no what did he say?

Jinyoung was laughing softly at his reaction and even though it warmed up Mark’s heart to see Jinyoung laughing, especially when he thought he would never get to see it again, or at least he will never be the reason, he still was absolutely terrified of what his big mouth might have revealed.

‘W-What did I say?’ he stammered

Jinyoung stopped laughing abruptly and titled his head, an inquisitive look on his face

‘Why are you so scared hyung? Are you hiding something?’

‘N-No, it’s just embarrassing okay?’

Jinyoung didn’t look convinced but didn’t press further.

‘Don’t worry, most of what you were blabbering was incomprehensible’

Mark sighed in relief

‘Although….’

Mark’s head snapped back up, looking at Jinyoung with fearful eyes

‘You did say my name’

Mark’s heart stopped but he didn’t fail to notice that the younger was trying to analyze his reaction. He needed to snap out of it before he confesses through his facial expressions

So he ignored his now thumping heart and rolled his eyes to act nonchalant

‘Why are you surprised? You’re the only human I’ve been in contact with since the last 48 hours and it’s not going to change anytime soon since you are so adamant on staying here you creep’ He defended, and Jinyoung just laughed

‘So how was your day?’ Mark asked, trying to steer the conversation away from his sleep talking.

Jinyoung’s whole demeanor deflated at the question as he gave a strained smile to mask his troubles but Mark understood. It was their first day as 6 members and the familiar feeling of guilt pooled in his stomach. He can imagine how it might have gone.

‘Do they…do they hate me?’ Mark asked in a small voice. He didn’t know if he could handle the answer but he needed to know.

Jinyoung shook his head and took Mark’s hand in his, smiling softly ‘Do you really think they could hate you?’

Mark looked at their hands and he bit his lip to suppress a sob ‘I don’t know, I gave them a pretty good reason to do so’

‘Hey, look at me’ Jinyoung said firmly, staring at him with an intensity that Mark couldn’t look away even if he wanted to ‘No one blames you, and no one hates you. Maybe initially they were a little angry, especially Jackson since you two have such a close bond but it was just to cover up his pain. Whatever happened that made you leave was something we should have worked on it as a team. If anything, they feel bad and guilty for not being able to help and be there for you when you needed them…when you needed us. You want space and they understand that.’

Mark closed his eyes to block the tears that were threatening to fall. He was so fortunate that his members didn’t hate him even though he risked their careers. He didn’t expect them to be understanding in the least and yet they are.

Jinyoung seemed aware of his inner turmoil which is why he shifted and pulled Mark in his arms so that Mark’s back was pressed up against his chest. Mark initially tensed at the gesture but too tired to over think so he just leaned into the embrace and let Jinyoung comfort him.

‘You know, Bambam and Yugyoem were thinking that maybe you found yourself a girlfriend and wanted to quit to get rid of the dating ban’ he said in a light voice, slightly chuckling

Mark didn’t reply. He didn’t know how to. He thought about coming out to Jinyoung right now but he was scared that the warmth of his embrace will disappear the moment the words will leave his mouth. A part of him felt that if Jinyoung couldn’t accept him the way his is, then its better if he left but, the other part of him that wasn’t as brave just really liked staying in their embrace, and turn his back to a potential harsh reality.

‘Hyung’ Jinyoung had the most soothing voice, comforting in its own way

Mark hummed in reply, keeping his gaze fixed on their hands that were still intertwined

‘I know you left because you felt you didn’t fit in the idol life, fit in front of the cameras and…fit in with us’ Jinyoung paused and Mark could feel him swallowing ‘But I really feel like there is another reason why you decided to quit. Big enough to make you so withdrawn and lost.’ He hesitated ‘Am I right?’

Mark got tensed the moment the question was asked and being so close to each other, Jinyoung could feel it, confirming his suspicion which is why he didn’t believe the elder when he tripped over his own words before managing a ‘N-No, why would you think that?’

Mark didn’t give him a chance to reply.

Jinyoung was a bit hurt when Mark pulled away from the embrace and told him that he was feeling tired and wanted to go to bed early. He knew he was lying since he just woke up but he also knew that he couldn’t and shouldn’t push Mark. At least he made some progress today: Earlier when Mark was sleep talking he had indeed said Jinyoung’s name but that’s not what made him stop in his tracks; It was Mark’s cracked voice sobbing and repeating ‘Jinyoung don’t go’ that broke Jinyoung’s heart because even though he didn’t know what Mark was hiding from him, he got a pretty good idea why he was hiding.

He chose not to say anything about it to him since he knew it would make the elder uncomfortable and he wanted to talk about any of this when Mark was ready to share.

He watched Mark’s retreating figure, and hoped that one day Mark would trust him enough to confide him in his secrets without the fear of losing him. He was willing to be patient. ‘As long it takes’ he had said and as long it takes, he will wait.

For now, knowing that the elder didn’t want him to leave (even though he knew Mark would never say that out loud), gave him the strength to keep going and keep trying to fix the broken man who happened to be one of his closest friends. He will not give up on him and he won’t let Mark give up on himself either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there lovelies! I'm sorry if this chapter is a bit boring but it's more of a filler. I'll try to make things interesting in the next update haha :) Thank you so much for reading and do let me know what you guys think and would like to see :D 
> 
> Love you all! 


	5. Jealousy and Hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark gets an unexpected visitor and an adorably cranky Jinyoung

Mark fled. There is no other way to describe it. He made a beeline for his room and shut the door as soon as he got inside. He just needed to get away from Jinyoung and his questions. Not giving a shit about how stupid he must have looked. Slightly panting, he laid down on his bed even though he knew sleep wasn’t going to come easy.

He wondered if Jinyoung was going to confront him on his odd behavior the next morning but then again, nothing about this situation was normal and Jinyoung chose to get involved in this not-so normal situation.

He went to sleep empty stomach that day, with the same dreams that end up as nightmares.

This went on for about a week; Jinyoung avoiding topics that would make Mark flee and Mark appreciating Jinyoung’s thoughtfulness. Mark knew he was testing Jinyoung’s patience sometimes but the younger seemed all the more determined to stick around.

It was in the afternoon one day when he was home alone that there was a knock on the door. Jinyoung usually returned at night or sometimes even morning, so he stood there confused.

When the knock resounded again, he made his way to the door and opened it a bit reluctantly to have his jaw drop at the next second.

‘Jackson…’

Instead of replying, Jackson just flung himself on Mark, embracing him so tightly Mark had to take a step back from the impact.

‘Jackson……can’t……breathe’

Jackson quickly let go and proceeded to hold his hands instead. Mark’s expression softened when he noticed tears in the giant puppy’s eyes and pulled him inside of the apartment with a smile.

Jackson despite of being the more tough looking member in their group, has always been the most sensitive and emotional one so it wasn’t surprising to Mark that now he was standing in front of him sniffing loudly and wiping his face with his sleeves continuously.

Mark was visibly composed but it broke his heart to see him like this and so he pulled him into a gentle comforting hug again and tried to convey everything he was feeling through that. It seemed like Jackson understood because he melted in the embrace while letting out a couple of sobs.

The two remained that way for a while, blanketed in the comforting stillness of the apartment and suddenly Mark didn’t feel so all alone anymore, the cold ambience of Mark’s apartment gave way to warmth and quiet.  
After Jackson’s sobs subsided, Mark pulled away and dragged him to the couch.

‘Sit, I’ll get us something to eat’ Mark said with a smile and was about to make his way to kitchen but Jackson tenderly grabbed his wrist while shaking his head.

‘I’m not hungry, please just sit’ his voice was softer and his eyes lacked their usual shine. Mark bit his lip in doubt but nodded anyway, taking a seat beside him, and wrapping an arm around Jackson’s shoulder with the same smile.

Jackson didn’t return the smile but that was okay. It’s still a much better reaction than him using all those muscles and punching the living daylights out of Mark; a possibility even though highly unlikely, he did envision.

‘Hey’ Mark said gently after a stretched out silence. He didn’t mind the quiet but Jackson being quiet meant that he was bottling up everything inside and Mark had witnessed the disastrous results of that many times. He needed to talk, regardless of whether or not Mark was ready to hear what he had to say.

‘I owe you an apology’ he continued ‘actually I owe you all an apology but I wasn’t ready to face you. I’m sorry for leaving without even saying goodbye. I wanted to, I really did but I’m a coward. A total wimp’

Jackson shook his head ‘We all made mistakes Mark. We tuned you out without meaning to and you left without telling us. I just wish you would have talked to us before….’

Mark swallowed and looked at Jackson ‘I’m sorry’ what else could he say?

‘Me too’ Jackson reciprocated the eye contact and gave a sad smile. Mark decided he despised himself for making Jackson look like that. ‘I wish I was a better friend’

Mark shook his head ‘You’re one of my best friends. You’re more than I can ask for’ he replied with a smile. He was the one who was not enough.

‘How did you find me?’ He changed the topic, desperate to escape the chances of Jackson springing up questions he couldn’t answer.

‘I nagged Jinyoung constantly but he didn’t give in so I followed him yesterday a little. It was not so hard to put together when I spotted the building, figured you were staying in Joey’s room. ’

‘Wow what is it with you guys? first Jinyoung and now you. Stalkers.’ he muttered, feigning annoyance ‘and it WAS Joey’s room. It’s not anymore’

‘Well technically I was stalking Jinyoung, not you’

‘Doesn’t matter. You’re still a creep’

Jackson chuckled slightly in reply, but his face grew somber again.

‘Have you thought about what you are going to do now that you are not…you’re not with us’

Mark exhaled loudly and sank onto the couch. ‘I thought about a couple of things but I don’t know anything for sure. I’m not really trained for much’ he said, letting out a disappointed sigh, earning a frown from Jackson

‘Well you are trained and good in many things, things people would kill to be good at, but then you decided to leave those things behind’ Jackson said, emphasizing the word ‘things’ every time.

Mark grimaced at his straightforwardness. He knew Jackson wouldn’t let this go, he could tell he was holding back from letting it all out, probably because he was told to by all the members.

‘Actually I was thinking about opening a café’ He went on, ignoring Jackson’s raised eyebrows. ‘I mean its business, I have enough capital to finance it and it could work if done right. Plus, who doesn’t like a cup of coffee…..or tea?’

Jackson listened in silence with the same gloomy expression but the next words out of his mouth surprised Mark.

‘That’s…..that’s actually not a bad idea’

Mark’s head snapped up

‘R-Really?’

‘Yeah, try it. It’s a stable business and you always had a knack for trading and numbers. I’m sure it will work out.’ He paused and then added ‘and if you need any help, you know you can always come to us right?’ The sincerity lacing his words made Mark smile as he nodded

‘Thank you; I don’t know what I did to deserve you guys’ he meant it. Despite his closed off personality, they always cared. None of this was their fault.

Jackson smiled in return and even though it didn’t reach his eyes, Mark was satisfied. He knew they needed more time with this abrupt change and so did he.

They talked for more than an hour and Jackson’s brightness would sometimes slip in making Mark smile. He found out that they had practice but he made an excuse to come visit him, wanting to talk to Mark alone.

‘I know you won’t say everything you are really thinking and feeling because you have this painful habit of internalizing your every goddamn thought’ Jackson exhaled loudly, his voice not masking his irritation ‘but if you are ready to talk, I want you to know I’m here. Please’

‘I know’ He didn’t know how he could possibly show his gratitude for his patience. A smile touched the corners of his mouth as Jackson continued.

‘You left GOT7 behind but I don’t want that to mean leaving us behind too Mark. I don’t want things to be different between us. Any of us’

But things were already different, Mark thought but nevertheless replied with a firm ‘Of course not’

Jackson looked somewhat satisfied to hear that. A deafening clap of thunder rattled the windowpanes in their frames and Jackson took that as his cue to leave, not wanting to get drenched in the rain they know will soon follow, but not before he made Mark promise to come back and visit the boys at least once.

Few hour later the rain had stopped and Mark was about to order some takeout for dinner when Jinyoung returned carrying some groceries and food, but what got his attention was the angry scowl on his face. He dropped the food at the kitchen island with a loud thud and proceeded to do everything he did normally after he returned, just everything a tad bit louder and with deliberate force.

Mark wanted to point out that he might break something if he keeps slamming things at this rate but he knew better.

At this point Mark was sure that he was the cause of his rage, especially since he didn’t even bother to greet him. But why?

‘Um Jinyoung, you all right?’ He asked tentatively when the silence was becoming too suffocating for him. He knew Jinyoung’s rage was no joke so he was actually a little terrified.

Jinyoung didn’t reply, he just sat on the couch beside Mark and turned on the television, ignoring the older’s presence completely.

Taking a deep breath, he attempted again ‘Jinyoung wha-’ he stopped when Jinyoung’s cold glare seared through him.

Mark sighed as he knew now he had to settle for the last resort. It wasn’t the first time Jinyoung got angry at Mark and it probably won’t be the last, but Mark had his ways to deal with a flaming Park Jinyoung.

His lower lip protruded in a sulky pout and he began poking Jinyoung’s sides

‘Jinyoungieeeee’ he whined like a baby in the cutest way possible

Jinyoung didn’t turn to look at him but Mark could see his frown faltering slightly.

After a couple of more whines, wails and pokes, Jinyoung finally turned to look at him.

‘What?’ he tried to sound snappish but his voice was too faint and his glare not menacing enough. Park Jinyoung was always weak for Mark Tuan’s aegyo. Jinyoung knew he lost.

Mark grinned cheekily and shuffled closer to Jinyoung, happy that Jinyoung didn’t reject him. He missed how uncomplicated his relationship was with Jinyoung prior to him realizing his feelings, when his sentiments weren’t at stake.

‘What’s wrong Jinyoungie? Why are you mad at me?’ he asked quietly, putting on his most innocent face and staring at Jinyoung with his doe eyes.

Jinyoung again gave a mild glare ‘Why do you care? Go talk with Jackson. You don’t need me’ he muttered bitterly

Mark’s eyes widened and he bit his lip to suppress his laugh. Was Jinyoung jealous? ‘Um Jinyoung why would I be talking with Jackson when you are right here?’

He tried not to smile, he really did but Jinyoung caught it and the glare was back with its full intensity.

‘You’re laughing at me, aren’t you?’ Jinyoung huffed

Mark shook his head, slightly giggling ‘I’m sorry, you just sound so jealous. It’s so cute’ he said while trying to keep his giggling under control and pinched Jinyoung’s cheeks before Jinyoung slapped his hand away.

‘Shut up’ he grumbled and Mark just laughed harder at that

‘I’m glad I amuse you. Oh I heard you will be opening a café here, congratulations by the way. Were you ever planning on telling me about it or is only reserved for the important people in your life like Jackson?’

Mark winced a little at that. He should have known that they discuss him and Jackson must have spilled the news. He might have felt guiltier but a jealous Jinyoung was sitting right in front him with an angry pout on his face and it was making him giddy with joy.

He wrapped his arms around the younger and embraced him tightly. It had been months since Mark had initiated any skinship with him so Jinyoung allowed himself to melt into the hug, although he maintained his poker face.

‘Jinyoung you are supposed to be the smart one. Don’t you know you are one the most important people in my life?’ Mark said gently, his affection seeping in his words

‘I don’t know. You open up more to Jackson in a few hours than you do with me in a whole week.’ He mumbled, his eyes cast down to the floor.

Mark chuckled softly and pulled Jinyoung closer; his hand ruffling the younger’s hair playfully.

‘I don’t think I have opened up to anyone more than I have to you’ He suddenly paused, smiling at his own honesty. ‘Jackson was pestering me about what I was going to do now and he was being all you know passive aggressive, so to shut him up I told him one of the ideas I had LIGHTLY entertained’.

Jinyoung looked at him, and Mark was happy to see his eyes were no longer steely and his gaze was no longer wounded.

‘So you’re not uncomfortable around me?’ Jinyoung spoke hesitantly, as if scared to know his answer

Mark pulled away from him and fixed him with an incredulous stare ‘Are seriously asking me that?’

‘Yes!’ he snapped stubbornly, making Mark sigh in defeat

He cupped Jinyoung’s face and looked at him firmly ‘You truly are an idiot Park Jinyoung. You are one of the most special people in my life and you have no idea that even though my life is a mess how grateful I am every single day that you are here with me to get me through it. Yes I’m close to Jackson and I love the rest of the members with all my life, but you will always be my favorite. Get it now stupid?’

Jinyoung was radiating with pure bliss and happiness as he nodded cheerfully, his cat whiskers in full display.

Mark let go of his face but Jinyoung clasped his hands on his own and Mark smiled at the gesture.

‘Never doubt your worth Jinyoung-ah, just because someone else is doing a shitty job at acknowledging you.’ Mark said earnestly.

Jinyoung looked at him in awe and Mark felt a pang in his chest as he realized that this is the closest he will ever get to confessing to the raven haired guy in front of him. The thought made his stomach clench and he swallowed the lump in his throat, forcing a wide smile on his face that successfully enveloped every emotion that Mark was trying to hide.

This time Jinyoung pulled him into a hug and Mark hid his face in the crook of the younger’s neck.

‘I love you so much hyung’ Jinyoung said and you could hear the fondness in his voice. Mark would be lying if he said his heart didn’t start racing at those words but he knew all too well what words would follow soon after ‘You’re my best friend’ Yep, he knew but that didn’t stop him from feeling the all too familiar wave of disappointed so he just replied with a pathetic hum.

‘I’m sorry for acting like a jealous puppy’ Jinyoung pulled away gently from the embrace and Mark already felt cold without the warmth of Jinyoung’s body.

‘I just wanted to be your number one’ he said while pouting and Mark felt like the universe was really testing him.

‘You already are’ he replied with a faint smile to a grinning Jinyoung

‘Good because then I will let you know I bought us food from your favorite restaurant, including the fried chicken set that you love so much.’ He said smiling triumphantly

Mark however, glowered at Jinyoung ‘And you’re telling me now? I’ve been starving Jinyoung!’ he whined childishly

Jinyoung unaffected, just shrugged ‘I needed to know that Jackson wasn’t stealing my place as your favorite donsaeng, now that I feel secure, you can enjoy your meal’ he said, grinning widely

Mark rolled his eyes and muttered an ‘I hate you’ as he made his way to the kitchen with a giggling Jinyoung following behind.

Mark wasn’t kidding when he said he was starving so he happily devoured everything in his plate, unaware of a pair of eyes fondly watching him.

‘Hyung’ Jinyoung said when they had almost finished everything; Mark looked up and saw Jinyoung looking quite serious ‘I can say the same thing to you know’

‘What?’

‘Don’t ever doubt your own worth ever either, even if we fail to show you and treat you right….again. Someone like you should never feel unworthy, you deserve the world’ he said smiling with utmost sincerity.

Mark stared brazenly at into his eyes, his heart quivering at his choice of words, as his lips curved upwards and he broke into a beaming smile.

‘Thank you Jinyoungie. I’m glad you’re here to tell me that’

Jinyoung’s answering smile made him forget everything else. He was here with Mark and was telling him he was important, that he mattered and wasn’t a waste of space. He was telling him everything he had forgotten to believe. He didn’t need anything else. He will try to be satisfied with what he has. He has too. Their friendship was too precious to be ruined by one sided feelings. Jinyoung deserves better and Mark will try to better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I'm back with another update ^^ This is a more fluffy chapter since I have some really angsty stuff planned out for the next chapters *insert evil laugh* Oh also some Markson interaction because it's one of my favorite ships of GOT7 (markjin are my otp) but don't worry markson are not romantic in any way in this fic. It's a quite long chapter so I hope you guys like it and don't get bored! Thanks for reading <3 Let me know what you guys think ^^  


	6. Broken Reverie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark spends some quality time with Jinyoung, meets an old friend, but then everything falls apart.

‘You’re zoning out again hyung’ Jinyoung’s soft voice reverberated in the apartment and broke Mark’s reverie. He looked at Jinyoung and smiled sheepishly.

‘Sorry’ he mumbled, earning a chuckle from Jinyoung

They were sitting in the kitchen having breakfast together since Jinyoung didn’t have to go for practice today. Mark was touched the younger decided to spend his free time with him when he could have easily opted to go with the members’ planned outing which would have been more fun, in Mark’s opinion. He didn’t know how to entertain the younger, he didn’t want him to waste his free day sitting here with Mark and watching him stare off in space. He didn’t want to bore Jinyoung.

‘What are you thinking about?’ Jinyoung asked, a hint of concern in his lucid eyes and Mark felt like drowning in his gaze

‘I-I just-Jinyoung’ He exhaled loudly ‘staying here with me on your free day; you’re going to get bored. You should’ve gone with the guys, actually you still can, they’re probably still in the dorm.’ He said honestly, but Jinyoung smiled knowingly and shook his head

‘Are you trying to get rid of me hyung? You know its pointless right?’

Mark rolled his eyes, a slight chuckle escaping his lips.

‘Having experienced your stubbornness first hand, I gave up a long a time ago trying to get rid of you Jinyoungie, so you don’t need to worry about that’

‘Then you don’t need to worry about me getting bored. Okay hyung?’

Mark sighed in frustration, he was still unconvinced and he wanted the younger to have a good time, especially if he was staying with Mark, so he made an attempt.

‘Do you wanna go somewhere or do something? I’ll be down for anything.’ Mark actually felt like staying in his bedroom the whole day and lapse in a state of quietude but the second he saw Jinyoung eyes widening aglow with excitement at the idea, he knew he made the right call.

‘Really? I mean are you sure you want to? I’ll be fine with staying indoors with you…’ He trailed off when Mark started shaking his head.

‘I want to Jinyoung. It’s been days since I left my room. It will good for me too’ He said, sending a reassuring smile towards the younger who grinned back.

Jinyoung’s excitement was infectious so he didn’t have to feign his interest in planning their small outing. They decided to go the park near their apartment and have a picnic of sort since all Jinyoung wanted was to relax from his hectic and buzzing routine.

They got dressed quickly; Jinyoung wearing his face mask raised his eyebrows when he saw Mark without it.

‘What?’ Mark asked, in reply to Jinyoung’s questioning glance

‘Why are you not wearing one?’ He said, pointing to the mask which was shielding his face and Mark felt like ripping it off

‘I’m not an idol anymore’ He argued as nonchalantly as possible

‘But they don’t know that…yet’ Jinyoung’s voice was smaller, as if he didn’t like to be reminded of the fact that Mark was no longer a part of what they did. Seeing the change in the younger’s mood, he decided to not argue further. He shrugged, mumbling an ‘okay’ and went to bring out his mask.

Putting the mask on, he flashed the younger a smile but then realized he couldn’t see it because of the mask, so ended up giving a small reassuring nod.

They left their apartment and walked to the park in silence, the gentle breeze ruffling through their thoughts and the occasional gleam of sunshine would light up the entire street.

Mark loved how with Jinyoung he never felt pressured to fill up these silences. He liked to succumb to the stillness of the moment where the need for meaningless words was dispelled and peace had a chance to shine.

Reaching their destination, they were happy to see that the park was pretty isolated, except a few couples. Buying some ramen from the streets with the most enticing aroma ever, they proceeded to sit in the ground, not minding the tickle of blades of grass beneath their hands.

‘This is nice’ He heard Jinyoung say, and looking at the younger, his countenance content and pleased, Mark felt something warm stir in his chest.

He smiled and nodded ‘It is’ It really was. Everything felt at peace.

They started eating; thanks to the seclusion their spot provided, their masks were soon abandoned next to them.

It seemed like they had a silent agreement in which they decided not to talk about their current situation. So they talked about everything and nothing, sometimes they would contemplate in silence and then laugh at something silly the next second. Mark was happy with this. He will be happy with just with Jinyoung’s company. He won’t ask for more.

‘Hyung let’s have some ice-cream. I haven’t had some in ages’

‘You had one on Thursday’ Mark pointed out, laughing when Jinyoung scowled at him

‘But sure let’s go’

Mark’s heart flipped when Jinyoung clasped his hand on its own and dragged him to the store. The warmth and softness of Jinyoung’s touch felt so right that Mark had to shake his head to dispose his thoughts.

Entering a small store that was relatively empty as well except a few girls and the old shop owner, Mark was hit with the sweet aroma of all the desserts that were put on display that created an immediate crave to satiate his sweet tooth.

Jinyoung hurriedly made his way to the freezer and Mark could only chuckle at the younger’s eagerness. He was going to follow Jinyoung but then he heard a meek ‘Excuse me?’ from behind. Turning around he saw the two really pretty girls about his age looking at him with wide eyes and shy smiles and it was then he realized that he had forgotten his mask back at the park. He smiled back despite the rush of fear he felt and the girls found the courage to speak up.

‘Mark oppa, c-can we take a picture with you? I-I mean if you’re not busy, we d-don’t mean to interrupt it’s just that we are huge fans’ the girl said, twirling her hair in her fingers nervously, and barely able to maintain eye-contact with Mark. He found it adorable.

‘Of course’ he said, giving them a wide smile and ushered them to come closer so that they can take a picture. After taking a few pictures and a short chat initiated by Mark out of politeness, the girls left. He could hear them screaming outside the store saying ‘OH MY GOD THAT JUST HAPPENED!’ and Mark chuckled, feeling a hint of pride and embarrassment as he turned around to see Jinyoung smiling at him fondly.

‘What?’ He walked up to the younger and could feel his cheeks warming up, realizing Jinyoung had been watching him.

‘You’re so good at this you know?’ Jinyoung said with the same softness Mark had grown to love

‘At what?’

‘At stealing people’s hearts’ Jinyoung said, giggling

Mark blushed and muttered a ‘Shut up’ which made Jinyoung giggle harder

After picking out their ice-creams, they left the store, walking in a comfortable silence and happily munching their sweet delight.

‘Thank you hyung, this was fun. I really needed it’

‘Of course Jinyoungie, so did I’

But the next question out of Jinyoung’s mouth made the smile in Mark’s face disappear.

‘You know hyung, now you can actually start dating; use all the female attention you get’

Mark hoped Jinyoung didn’t see the grimace in his face, after all the person you are in love with pushing you to date others isn’t an appealing scenario for anyone, even if you’re not planning on pursuing them.

‘Why are you saying this suddenly?’

‘Well seeing you with those girls back there smitten with you, I realized you can now actually pursue your romantic interests’

No I can’t. Mark thought bitterly but Jinyoung oblivious to Mark’s thoughts continued

‘You quit being an idol hyung, so now you can actually take back everything the celebrity life had taken away from you. Everything normal that you couldn’t do all this time and we still can’t, including dating. It might make this sudden change of lifestyle easier to adapt to’

Mark knew Jinyoung’s intentions were good but Mark still felt a surge of disappointment and something in the vicinity of his chest tighten, making his reply a tad bit harsh and accidently too honest.

‘I don’t want to date any girls’

Jinyoung didn’t seem offended by his curt reply but pouted at the vagueness of it.

Luckily they reached their apartment and Mark felt relief wash over him. He hoped Jinyoung wouldn’t bring this topic up again because he didn’t know how long he could keep lying.

Entering their apartment, Mark told Jinyoung that he was going to shower and Jinyoung in the meantime decided to watch whatever evening shows were on the television.

Mark marched into the bathroom and took a longer shower than necessary, grateful for the lukewarm water. Coming out of the shower after a good twenty minutes, he saw Jinyoung seated on the couch comfortably reading a book instead.

Not wanting to disturb the younger, he went to his room and checked his phone to find a message from Taehyung. He was good friends with the Bangtan vocalist but this was a rather odd message.

From: Tae

Hyung, are you free? Can you meet me right now? I wanted to talk you about something.

Mark furrowed his eyebrows at the message. Could it be he knows about Mark’s departure from Got7? Should he go? He didn’t want to leave Jinyoung alone but staying with Jinyoung right now was rather risky since the younger was springing questions and wandering in dangerous territory. Shooting text back with the time and location, he got dressed again. Taehyung was good company to have, so meeting him could actually take his mind off Jinyoung since that’s all these days Mark could think about.

He came out of his room, attracting Jinyoung’s attention who raised his eyebrows at Mark’s appearance.

‘Why are you all dressed up hyung?’

‘I’m going to meet Taehyung in the ‘House of Cards’ café. He said he wanted to discuss something important. Maybe…maybe he found out’ Mark answered, shrugging his shoulders

Jinyoung pouted and mumbled ‘Okay’

‘I’ll be back soon, you probably won’t even realize with you being so absorbed in that book of yours’ Mark teased lightly and felt better when he saw the younger smile a little.

‘Just go hyung’ Jinyoung shooed him away playfully

Mark chuckled and made his way to the door, yelling a loud ‘BYE’ before leaving.

The café was near his apartment, that’s why he chose it. Within five minutes he was at the café, ordering a vanilla latte and took a seat in the corner. He was expecting Taehyung to take a while to reach the place, but surprisingly after the next five minutes he entered the café, wearing a face mask.

He ordered a drink which he nearly dropped when made his way to Mark’s table, his eyes crinkling at the sight of the older as he went in for a hug. Mark chuckled at his clumsiness and embraced him back happily.

Sitting down, Taehyung took his mask off and flashed Mark a wide smile.

Man his visuals are no joke Mark thought

‘I missed you hyung! How are you? It’s been so long since we last saw each other!’ His overexcited voice made him resemble a puppy and made Mark giggle

‘I know, I missed u all. I’m doing okay even though things have been a little ….rough but nothing to be overly concerned about’ He said, sighing and noted the way Taehyung’s face fell and gave Mark a somber smile.

‘You already know, don’t you?’

Taehyung nodded, a hint of guilt in his face as he averted his eyes from Mark.

‘I just-Yugyeomie told Jungkook and so….’ He trailed off, scratching the back of neck nervously

‘I’m sorry hyung, I didn’t mean to intrude but it’s just I was so sad when I heard it and I wanted to meet you’

Mark shook his head when he noticed how small Taehyung’s voice had gotten. ‘Don’t apologize, I just don’t know who to break the news to or how or when. I-I really appreciate that you care, believe me’ He was still gonna kill Yugyoem for having such a big mouth though

Taehyung sighed in relief, his features instantly relaxing as he flashed Mark a sheepish smile and Mark chuckled at how stressed the younger was anticipating his reaction. He meant it when he said he was grateful for his concern, but he really didn’t want to talk about this.

As if sensing Mark’s worries or maybe out of pure politeness, Taehyung didn’t dig deeper into the issue and Mark was incredibly grateful for the younger’s thoughtfulness. They talked about Taehyung’s adventures which mostly included stories of him being caught doing embarrassing shit. Mark was laughing so hard, he gasping for air. It felt good to forget all the crap he was dealing with in his life, even if it was just temporary.

Their drinks were finished so they decided to leave the café which was too cold and wander in the streets instead. They were in an alley just strolling when Taehyung spoke up again.

‘I was so worried you know hyung’

‘About what?’

‘About you leaving. When I heard you were leaving Got7, I thought you would be going back to America’

Mark looked at Taehyung and was surprised to see his cheeks tinted pink, probably from the cold.

‘I considered it, but I have way too many people I care about here and I can’t just leave them’ Jinyoung’s face flashed in his mind and involuntarily it made him smile

‘Really?’ Taehyung took quick stops to stand in front of Mark, stopping the elder in his tracks. Mark looked at him in confusion, there was an odd look on the younger’s face but Mark brushed it off.

‘Yeah, I mean I don’t want to be an idol anymore but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be with the people I made this journey with. They mean too much to me.’ Mark watched how a wide smile made its way to Taehyung’s face and if Mark didn’t know any better, he would say the younger looked smitten.

‘Good’ that’s all Taehyung said before taking a step forward and Mark instinctively backed away, the elder now confused beyond words.

‘Tae?’ But Taehyung didn’t reply, he just kept going until Mark’s back hit the concrete wall of the alley.

‘T-Tae, what’s going on?’ his voice wavered a little and he could smell the younger’s spicy cologne as he came even closer, pressing their bodies together and cupping Mark’s face in his hands.

‘I’m so happy you decided not to leave hyung’ Taehyung’s voice was barely audible but being so close, Mark could hear just fine ‘otherwise I would’ve never got the opportunity to tell you…to tell you that…..’ he didn’t bother to finish, instead he just pressed his lips against Mark gently and the elder’s eyes would have popped given how wide they were. He couldn’t believe what was happening but for some reason he closed his eyes and didn’t push the younger away, allowing him to mold their lips together.

This was not how he planned his evening to go but why not give it a shot? It’s not like he had a chance with Jinyoung. The mere image of Jinyoung popping up in his mind made him frustrated so he started responding to the kiss which Taehyung took as a signal to continue. Mark gasped when Taehyung bit his bottom lip and granting access to the younger to thrust his tongue inside Mark’s warm cavern. They kept kissing, Taehyung’s hand grabbing Mark by the waist and Mark clutching the younger’s shirt tightly. Mark was completely lost and stopped thinking, preferring to get lost in the moment and think about the consequences later. It wasn’t until they heard a loud gasp from near them that they separated, breathing uneven and appearances slightly disheveled. They turned to look at the source of noise, expecting a horrified fan but it wasn’t. It was much worse.

Mark stood there motionless and transfixed to the spot, struggling to inhale, to exhale, to do anything really. The color drained from his face as he registered the shock and disgust in the pair of eyes staring back at him, breaking whatever was left of his heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I'm back with another update ^^ Please let me know what you guys think! V aka Taehyung makes an appearance in this chapter because you know, big bts fan right here haha! The fact that Mark and V are friendly in real life makes me so happy. Anyway hope you guys like this chapter, things are about to get real angsty! 


	7. Shattered fortitude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Revelation and heartbreak

Mark stood, aghast and paralyzed as fear seized his soul and a look of solemnity appeared on his flushed face. He was scarcely aware of Tae standing right next to him, glancing back and forth between Mark and Jinyoung but at this moment it didn’t matter. He could only focus on Jinyoung's distraught expression in the dark, his eyes filled with disbelief as he stared at Mark.

He helplessly watched as Jinyoung started walking backwards slowly, and it felt like his heart was being stabbed repeatedly with each step he took away from Mark. He knew what this meant. It meant his nightmare was his reality, it meant his fears weren’t baseless and it meant that Jinyoung will not accept him. He wanted to say something, go after him but his body was frozen, not allowing him to move even a step forward.

After a few more steps, Jinyoung disappeared and Mark remained where he was with a hollow look in his eyes.

‘Mark’ He could hear Taehyung calling but he couldn’t bring himself to reply, or even acknowledge his presence. Eventually the younger sighed at the lack of response and thought it was best to leave since Mark clearly had things to sort out and he wasn’t the one to talk about his problems.

‘Hey, I think I’ll leave….but let me know if you need someone to talk to’ Tae said gently, and was taken aback when Mark looked at him with a pained expression and nodded weakly.

Tae gave a small smile and left Mark standing in the alley alone.

After what seemed like ages, Mark found the strength to start walking, his stoic demeanor masking his shallow breathing and pounding heart as he made his way to his apartment. Their apartment. His brain turned into mush and he couldn’t figure what was supposed to happen next. He didn’t plan on Jinyoung finding out about his sexuality ever but today his carelessness probably cost him his best friend. A part of him wanted to be optimistic and think that Jinyoung was probably just shocked and would scold him for being careless in public but the other part of him knew that this wasn’t the case, and Jinyoung’s wasn’t distraught because of his PDA, he was distraught because of who he was doing it with.

He wondered exactly how much things were going to change from today because he was sure nothing will ever be the same again.

The door wasn’t locked so he entered the apartment quietly and saw Jinyoung sitting on the couch, his face was turned the other way so Mark couldn’t see his expression. Not that he needed to anyway, the suffocating silence was enough to clue him in as to how it was going to go down. He walked slowly, trying to brace himself for whatever was going to come his way. They had to talk about this, he needed to know Jinyoung’s stance in this regardless of whether or not he would be able to live with it.

Jinyoung looked up when Mark came closer and moved away, signaling Mark to sit next to him but the older remained standing. Mark felt a surge of hope at the gesture though and was partially relieved not to see any hint of anger or malice on Jinyoung’s face. Could he be okay with it?

‘Hyung?’ Jinyoung cut his train of thoughts with his quiet voice and Mark saw how concerned Jinyoung’s eyes were and for some reason it made Mark feel uncomfortable. He averted his eyes from the younger.

‘Hyung, a-are you and him’ Jinyoung swallowed and Mark didn’t miss the look of discomfort on the younger’s face ‘like together?’

‘No’ Mark managed to breathe out ‘He kissed me’

The look of relief in Jinyoung’s face made him feel funny.

‘Oh thank god, I thought…I thought’ Jinyoung trailed off, chuckling slightly and Mark knew he had to tell the whole truth instead of beating around the bushes. It’s now or never.

‘He kissed me’ He tried again 'but I liked it’ Mark stilled after saying that and observed how Jinyoung’s expression morphed from confusion to shock and then to….disgust?

‘Hyung what are you saying?’ His voice was a tad bit louder and was filled with shock and disapproval.

‘I like men’ Mark answered quietly, not letting any emotions come in the way because he knew that would slaughter his honesty. That, however, didn’t stop his heart from sinking when he saw the look of absolute disturbance in Jinyoung’s face. This was it. He should’ve known this was how it would have ended.

‘T-That’s what you meant when you said you didn’t want to date girls. B-But hyung, that’s not- it’s…..that’s wrong’ Jinyoung stammered, his voice was shaky, but his gaze was steady. It was clear he believed in what he was saying.

When the words registered in Mark’s mind, realization washed over him in alternating waves of pain and numbness and he let out a mocking laugh which visibly confused Jinyoung even more

‘What-Why are you laughing?’

‘Because it’s funny’ Mark said still chuckling, without any trace of humor ‘I always knew this was how you were going to react. I knew and I prepared myself for that rejection. Everyday single day. I should’ve seen it coming from miles away and yet now that it happened, I feel so stupid to even have the audacity to think that you would accept me the way I am, regardless of who I like. Guess I’m asking for too much huh?’

Jinyoung shook his head desperately ‘Hyung I’m not rejecting you. I’m just saying this isn’t normal’

Mark just stared at him and he could feel his chest aching and all the suppressed emotions flooding in together. Unaware of the impact of his words, Jinyoung used Mark’s silence to go on.

‘You haven’t dated any girl for a long time, you just need to get out there and try! This phase will go away, you will feel-’

Mark closed his eyes and tuned Jinyoung out. He didn’t want to hear this; each and every word that left Jinyoung’s mouth was breaking him apart. He really was so stupid. Mark wondered what would happen if Jinyoung found out not only does he like men, but he likes Jinyoung. Loves him. His first love is unrequited in all the worst ways possible.

Jinyoung was still talking about dating girls and Mark felt a surge of anger, a feeling of betrayal as opened his eyes and glared at Jinyoung.

‘I’m sorry if I’m making you feel uncomfortable with my sexual orientation Jinyoung, but I already did my part. I left GOT7 and I left you so I wouldn’t taint you ‘normal’ people with my lifestyle preferences. You came here by yourself and now that you know everything and disapprove of everything I stand for, please feel free to leave.’ Mark was speaking with his coldest voice and the most piercing gaze he could muster and Jinyoung seemed to be shrinking under his gaze and his words, but he didn’t avert his eyes.

But when without realizing, he inched closer to Jinyoung while speaking, Jinyoung was quick to take a step back to maintain the distance between them. It could have been conscious or subconscious move from the younger, but it shattered Mark’s heart into pieces as he let out a bitter smile.

‘So you’re scared of me now? Afraid that I might infect you? Or afraid that I might attack you?’

Jinyoung’s eyes widened at the questions and he again started shaking his head hastily and he took a step forward to rectify his actions, but the damage was already done ‘NO HYUNG! I don’t think like that and I don't want to leave, I just want to help you, we can figure this out together'

Mark again just stared at him in disbelief, he could hear the pleading in Jinyoung’s voice and it broke his heart to see that Jinyoung was treating him like he got a disease that they needed to find a cure for.

‘You don’t get it, do you?’ Mark spat out, his voice wavering with anger and pain ‘You don’t have to fix me because I’m not broken to begin with’

‘Hyung, I’m not-’

‘Don’t worry’ Mark continued harshly ‘I won’t lecture you on how natural homosexuality is or how people shouldn’t be judged based on who they love because honestly if you, Park Jinyoung, who always has his nose stuck in books and pursues knowledge, values learning, believes in equality in every stage of his life can’t figure that out on your own, then nothing I’ll say could possibly make a difference.’

‘Hyung, please don’t be like that. I-I care for you’ Jinyoung’s voice was smaller, and his eyes were brimming with tears.

‘You did. When I was fitting in your ideal standard of ‘normal’ people, you did care for me. Now, if I take your advice and ‘fix’ myself, and choose to be your straight friend who likes girls and not guys, you’ll still care for me. How generous of you Jinyoung. But I’m sorry, I plan to stay the way I am and I’m sorry if you can’t bring yourself to accept that’ Mark paused to breathe and voiced the question he was dreading to ask ‘you can’t, can you? You can’t accept me as long as I’m-I’m gay right?’

This was the first time he had said that out loud and he hated how his voice was carrying a tinge of hope even after everything had already gone downhill.

The prolonged silence that followed answered his question and confirmed his worst nightmare as he looked at Jinyoung who was opening and closing his mouth, trying to form words but nothing came out.

All of Mark’s anger dissipated in the silence along with whatever hope and faith he had left in Jinyoung and in life, leaving only the undeniable pain and agony that won’t be going away anytime soon.

Mark let out a shaky breath and he could feel tears forming in his eyes.

‘Of course’ He said with a defeated voice ‘of course you wouldn’t, I’m not sure what I expected. Go tell the members about this too, that will get them to stop pining and be relieved instead that I’m not around anymore’ Mark looked up to look at Jinyoung right in the eyes ‘just like you’.

Mark ignored the pained look in Jinyoung’s face and not being able to stand any of this anymore, quickly made a beeline for the door. He didn’t know where he would go, all he knew he wanted to get as far as possible from Jinyoung. The numbness hung over him like a thick fog, he didn’t bother to wipe the tears streaming down his face, and turned a deaf ear to Jinyoung who was yelling his name. He left the apartment hurriedly with the unmistakable raw pain of rejection that engulfed him entirely as his dazed mind began to accept the possibility that this could be the end of his relationship with Jinyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Markjin T_T A short but major chapter! Let me know what you guys think! 


	8. The Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jinyoung deal with the latest revelation: Jinyoung finding out about Mark's sexuality and Mark finding out Jinyoung's thoughts on it. Things don't go as smoothly as one would hope for.

The gentle music of the band could be heard, serenading the listeners along with the distant sound of people talking and laughing around. Mark pushed all of it in the background and focused on gulping down his whiskey but even the warmth of the alcohol failed to chase away his internal chill. Out of frustration he just slapped the glass on the bar harshly, startling the people near him in the process, but he couldn’t bring himself care. The air of melancholy surrounded him and there was this dangerous urge to disappear and dissolve into nothing.

‘Are you going to tell me what happened?’

Mark ignored the question and kept his gaze trained on his now empty glass.

‘Mark’

No response

‘Mark, you’re scaring me’

Silence

‘Mark please, talk to me. Let me help’

At that, Mark’s head snapped up as he felt a rush of anger spiraling through him because of how the words strongly resonated with Jinyoung’s, and as a result he fixed his piercing gaze on Jackson’s worried face.

‘I don’t need your or anyone’s help.’ Mark spat out. He knew unleashing his anger on Jackson wasn’t fair since he wasn’t the one who shunned him. Not yet at least. But the memory of his confrontation with Jinyoung was too fresh in his mind to let him act rationally. ‘Leave me alone’ He added a bit more quietly, going back to staring at the empty glass. It’s better to be alone. Everyone leaves eventually when things get too inconvenient for them.

He heard Jackson sigh loudly but he didn’t make any move to leave. Mark wasn’t surprised; Jackson could be very stubborn. The way he had dragged Mark to this bar to talk when he saw him aimlessly wandering in the streets with a vacant look on his face, showed his determination to get at least some answers.

‘Had a fight with Jinyoung?’ Jackson saw how Mark stiffened at his question, in contrast to his unresponsive state earlier, and it confirmed his suspicions. He let the silence stretch on, patiently waiting for Mark to say something. Anything.

‘No. Not sure you can call that a fight’ Mark’s voice was cold and monotonous and it scared Jackson that something serious must have happened. ‘You can call it a discovery which showed us that we stand at two different ends. It was very enlightening to be honest’ He answered with a fake smile, making Jackson more and more worried about what went down between the two. Mark never acted like this.

‘Mark what happened?’ Jackson’s serious and concerned voice made Mark look up at him and he considered telling him the truth. What’s the point in hiding now anyway? They will know soon. He didn’t want to lose Jackson but what’s the point on dwelling over something he had no control over.

Taking a shaky breath, he answered him with a surprisingly steady voice.

‘I came out to Jinyoung’

He kept his eyes on the glass, preparing himself for another rejection. Another outraged reaction. Maybe confessing he was gay in a public place wasn’t a smart move, but then he heard Jackson utter a soft ‘Oh’

Mark held his breath in anticipation.

‘And I’m guessing it didn’t go too well?’ Jackson’s voice was gentle and even in this state Mark couldn’t miss how empathetic he sounded. He looked at Jackson and saw a sad tight lipped smile on his face. There was no pity, or disgust, he was behaving surprisingly nonchalant.

‘I don’t know, you tell me’ Mark mumbled, his hand mindlessly tracing the rim of the glass. ‘You don’t seem surprised, I kinda just came out to you right now’

Jackson lightly chuckled ‘That’s because I’m not. I kind of had an inkling, I’m more observant than you think’

Mark raised his eyebrows ‘What do mean observant? Was I going around throwing hints that I was gay’ he asked defensively, even though words could not describe how relieved and happy he was with Jackson’s reaction.

‘Kind of yes’ Jackson replied still smiling but then his eyes turned solemn and he cautiously continued ‘I saw how you looked at him and how you still do’.

Mark froze.

Jackson didn’t specify any name but there wasn’t a need. The aching pain in his chest was back as he stared at Jackson wide-eyed.

‘Hey it’s alright’ Jackson reassured when he saw the panicked look on Mark’s face. ‘I mean it sucks he reacted the way he did but there is nothing wrong with the way you feel man’

Mark’s expression softened and a single drop of tear rolled down his face. He wasn’t sure if he was crying because of the pain of what happened with Jinyoung, or because he was rejoicing over Jackson’s support, but all he did know was that he wanted to hear those words really badly. For someone to let him know that he doesn’t have to be ashamed of what he was feeling, regardless of whether or not his feelings were returned. That he wasn’t a freak. That his feelings weren’t unnatural.

Despite of feeling a whirlwind of emotions, he opted for nodding slowly and mumbled a small ‘Thank you’. Jackson seemed to understand all the unsaid words of gratitude and smiled in return.

‘Give him some time, maybe he’ll come around. He just needs some time to process-’ Jackson trailed off when Mark started shaking his head with a bitter smile.

‘I’m not going to hope for anything anymore Jackson, at least not from him. Unrealistic expectations always leads to disappointment, I admit I can be quite naïve but I’m not going to make the same mistake this time’

Mark’s resigned voice alarmed Jackson and he realized that Jinyoung’s rejection must have taken huge a toll on him. He wanted to know exactly how Jinyoung reacted but he knew asking that meant hurting Mark more.

‘Are you really calling Jinyoung’s love for you an unrealistic expectation? Whatever happened, happened, but he loves you’

Mark snorted and Jackson pursed his lips in response.

‘Sure he did, you know back when I was ‘normal’ or when he thought I was ‘normal. Now to be worthy of his love I need to fix my broken self-first’ Mark replied sarcastically

‘His words, not mine’ Mark added when he saw Jackson was about to argue. Jackson’s eyes widened as he registered this new piece of information.

‘He really said that?’ Jackson asked quietly, after another stretched out silence.

‘He made himself very clear’ Mark confirmed and Jackson didn’t miss his attempt to conceal the pain in his words. ‘I’d be stupid to expect anything from him anymore’ He whispered ‘Shouldn’t have expected anything in the first place, all this might have hurt less’

Mark’s glassy eyes made Jackson’s heart clench and he reached out to hold Mark’s hand.

‘Mark, you need to accept yourself first before others can accept you. As long as you know that you’re not wrong, you can get through all of this’ Mark felt touched by Jackson’s sincerity but all of these words were easier said than done. Jackson turned out to be supportive, but everyone else will probably have a reaction similar to Jinyoung’s and he didn’t know if he could take that much hate.

‘I don’t want to get through anything Jackson, maybe….maybe I should go back to the States. I won’t have to hide there, at least not from the people I care about’ The uncertainty was clear in his voice but the idea wasn’t sudden, he had entertained the idea ever since he moved out and now with everything that happened, it seemed like the best option.

Jackson’s eyes widened and he clutched Mark’s hand tighter while shaking his head

‘NO! That solves nothing Mark! Don’t consider this idea even for a second. You can’t always run from your problems’ Jackson exclaimed, referring to his departure from the group.

Mark raised his eyebrows at the comment ‘Was that jab necessary?’

Jackson rolled his eyes ‘Look all I’m saying is don’t make any rash decisions. Give it some time. Give him some time.’ He said gently.

‘Yeah I’m the one being treated like a toxic infection but sure he is the one who needs time.’ Mark said coolly.

Jackson sighed.

‘Look you have every right to be upset but Mark please, please don’t leave. Not again please. I know Jinyoung means a lot to you but please for the sake of our friendship, don’t leave.’

Mark looked at Jackson. He realized while whatever happened with Jinyoung a few hours ago broke him to the point that he might never be able to recover, he would still be a fool to take the support he was getting from Jackson for granted. He should appreciate what he has rather than pine over what he couldn’t have. Jackson’s friendship was just as important and he couldn’t abandon him. Again.

Letting out a shaky breath and he mumbled ‘Okay, I won’t’

‘Promise?’

Mark nodded and a grin broke upon Jackson’s face.

The next hour was filled with more comforting words from Jackson while Mark nodded along. They had left the bar and were walking down the streets as Jackson kept trying to cheer Mark up. He tried to believe everything Jackson was saying but his mind kept wandering back to Jinyoung. He wanted to hate the younger for doing what he did, but he couldn’t. While he had a lot of anger built up inside him, he couldn’t bring himself to hate him. He still craved for the younger's care and his touch. He just wanted to go back to Jinyoung and demand an answer as to why he couldn’t accept him, beg him to see that he wasn’t diseased, and make him see that nothing’s changed. Ah he was pathetic.

‘Are you going to back to your apartment?’ Jackson asked hesitantly

Honestly, Mark didn’t feel like going near Jinyoung anytime soon, if ever. But he didn’t see how long he could hide away and why should he be hiding anyway?

‘Yes, it is my apartment. If he feels too uncomfortable, then he can move out. If he hasn’t already that is’ Mark answered as nonchalantly he could.

‘Give him some time. I’m not saying to expect anything and I’m not taking his side but he had the most traditional upbringing possible and it’s not easy to change such beliefs that have been etched into his mind since he was a kid. It’s not something you can do overnight.’

Mark didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what he could say so Jackson continued

‘But for you, he might actually try.’

‘Don’t give me hope Jackson-ah. Hurts like a bitch when you’re let down.’

‘Just-just don’t give up on him…..yet.’

Mark smiled. It was the saddest smile Jackson had ever seen, void of any hope or faith.

‘You didn’t hear what he said Jackson. Trust me; I have nothing to hold on to.’

Jackson stayed quiet as he knew he didn’t actually know what exactly happened between the two.

‘He didn’t lash out on me like I expected. No, he was concerned that I got myself into something so unnatural. He wants to help me become normal again Jackson. He wants to cure me of this disease. And honestly, I don’t which reaction is worse.’

The younger processed everything Mark said in silence, and his heart bled for him. Mark’s voice was wavering and it looked he could break down any moment. They had reached Mark’s apartment and Jackson saw the anxiety in Mark’s face at the prospect of going back there.

‘So yeah, trust me when I say, I have nothing to hope for. I lost him already.’

Jackson just enveloped him in a warm embrace and while it took Mark a second, he hugged him back just as tightly.

‘Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks Mark, just don’t lose faith in yourself.’ Jackson said gently and Mark nodded.

After bidding each other goodnight, Mark made his way to the apartment with a thumping heart. Making sure to keep his gaze trained on the floor, he entered their apartment as quietly as possible. Everything reminded him of what had happened here a couple of hours ago. His heart started beating harder when he saw Jinyoung in the couch but was partially relieved to see the younger was fast asleep. He ignored Jinyoung’s wet cheeks that suggested he cried himself to sleep and started to walk towards his room silently, although he wasn’t silent enough because the next second he heard a faint ‘Hyung?’

Mark stilled for a second but when Jinyoung started getting off the couch at a record speed, Mark recovered and began walking again. He wasn’t fast enough since Jinyoung caught his arm and turned him around quite roughly.

‘Hyung please, where did you go? I was so worried.’ Any other time Mark would have melted at the younger’s concern. But right now, his concerned expression was only making him angrier.

He ripped his arm from Jinyoung’s grasp harshly ‘Why do you care?' His voice was so cold that he even surprised himself and felt a tinge of guilt when he saw a flicker of hurt in Jinyoung’s eyes.

‘Talk to me Mark please’

The older raised his eyebrows but stopped any trace of hope that could seep into his thoughts.

‘Why? Have you changed your mind about what you think about me being gay?’

Jinyoung averted his eyes and swallowed nervously.

Nop, he hasn’t, Mark thought bitterly

‘You know what Jinyoung, let me make this easier for both of us. I’m not going to change who I am and you are not going to change what you think, so why don’t we lead our lives separately without ever coming across each other. You can move out and live with your normal group of people and I can live here alone as the freak that I am.’

The words tasted foul in his mouth but he couldn’t help it. Jinyoung recoiled as if someone had just slapped him and his distraught expression showed that Mark’s words had an impact on him.

‘It’s not like that, I-I don’t think of you like that Mark please. Please let’s just talk’ Mark almost gave in to Jinyoung’s pleading. Almost.

‘No Jinyoung’ Mark’s voice was shaky and Jinyoung could see how vulnerable he truly was at the moment ‘I have nothing to say to you. I’m not strong enough to go through all of that again. Come to talk to me only if you change your mind about this and if you can’t change what you think, then please just leave.’

‘Mark…’ Jinyoung whimpered

‘Please Jinyoung, if you have ever cared about me, even a little bit, then please leave me alone. Have mercy. Unless….unless you change your mind about all this, which we both know isn’t going to happen. So please, just let me be’ Mark was sobbing, his mask of indifference no longer intact.

Mark turned on his heel and finally went to his room, slamming the door in the process.

Away from prying eyes, he sat on his bed, his pent up emotions emerged without any warning and he was finally able to break down into tears.

On the other side of the door, unbeknown to Mark, Jinyoung was doing the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi Guys! Sorry I took so long to update the story. Doing masters and working at the same time took a toll on my health so I wasn't able to function properly. Sorry for the lack of Markjin interaction in this one and just the lack of quality in this chapter, but I promise things will be progressing towards more interesting stuff. Thank you so much for reading this story and please do leave kudos and comments, really helps me stay motivated haha! Love you guys and don't forget to stream Got7's You are!


	9. The Slow Fix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jinyoung ponders on everything that happened and makes a decision.

Morning dawned with low-hanging clouds, the beacon of light shone through the window, filtering through Jinyoung’s eyelids as he started waking up. Falling asleep in the couch might not have been the best decision in hindsight as he felt the pain shoot up in his arms and neck the moment he tried getting up, and grunted at how stiff his whole body was. With everything that happened with Mark, he couldn’t bring himself to go back to his room. He had sat in the couch between their rooms withholding so many different emotions; emotions that he wasn’t even capable of understanding, but before he could even try, he gave in to his fatigue and dozed off.

He knew the older was in his room, hopefully sleeping but he knew that even if Mark wasn’t sleeping, he wasn’t going to come out of his room. Not until Jinyoung left.

The sadness coursing through him was so enormous and overwhelming that he just wanted to lie down and think on how to make this all better. He didn’t want to hurt Mark. He didn’t want to be the reason for the elder’s tears and yet he was. He saw the effect of his words on Mark’s face. He saw the elder’s clouded eyes filled with pain looking at him with a strangled expression as if he got punched in the gut. He never knew Mark could look so wounded and never did he imagine that he would be the one making him look that way.

The guilt was eating him alive but what else could he do? Seeing Mark with Taehyung made him feel disgusted. There is no other way to put it. It felt so wrong that he could barely ponder what his reaction meant for Mark. Only when he started speaking his thoughts and saw Mark’s dejected face, did he realize the weight of his words. He just wanted things to go back as they were before. He had never seen this coming. He was so sure that Mark liked girls but his kiss with Taehyung rendered him speechless.

He left the apartment to go to practice even though he didn’t feel like singing or dancing. But then his job didn’t flow according to his mood.

Practice wasn’t going smoothly either. How could it when his mind was not with him? Mark’s crestfallen face kept flashing in his mind and he couldn’t keep up with the members. It didn’t take long for the members to figure out something was wrong but Jinyoung denied it every time they asked.

But what grabbed Jinyoung’s attention was that Jackson was just as down as him and he seemed to be avoiding him. While the members one of by one did come up to him to ask whether he was okay, Jackson ignored him completely.

‘Okay boys, let’s take a 10 minute break then come back to run this song again, alright?’ Jaebum half-announced and half-asked, smiling when his question was answered with the maknae’s loud cheers.

Jinyoung decided to use this time to talk to Jackson because something told him that his unusual behavior had something to do with Mark.

He followed Jackson outside the room, ignoring Jaebum’s worried glance on the way. He quickly reached him as Jackson decided to stop to get some water from the water dispenser.

‘Hey’

Jackson looked up as Jinyoung approached him, and instead of replying he just clenched his jaw, making Jinyoung even more confused as to why he was in the receiving end of his rage.

‘W-What’s wrong? Are you mad at me or something?’

Instead of replying, he just gulped down his water, turned around and resumed walking outside the building. Jinyoung followed immediately.

Once they were outside alone, Jackson exploded.

‘What the fuck is wrong with you?!’

Jinyoung, startled, took a step back, eyes wide at Jackson’s sudden outburst. But his clueless expression seemed to make the older even angrier.

‘How could you do that to Mark?!’

Jinyoung’s eyes widened even more if that’s possible as he took in Jackson’s furious face while realizing that he knows. Jackson knows.

Jinyoung started stuttering, trying to formulate an answer that presented his thoughts but Jackson cut him off.

‘He trusted you more than he trusted any of us. Damn it Jinyoung don’t you see what you did?! He left because he thought no one would accept him and you proved him right!’

The guilt was very much there, but being questioned so harshly and put on the spot like this triggered his own anger.

‘Do you think I want to hurt him purposely? I left everything to live with him, not you guys!’ He yelled back, his frustration seeping into his words.

‘You went there to live with him to show that he is loved, he is wanted, he is accepted. Do you need me to tell you what a shitty job you’ve done at that? Whatever faith he had in us, you’ve managed to kill it’

‘I didn’t mean to! I want the best for him too! I care for him as much as you do Jack-‘

‘Really you do? Are you sure about that Jinyoung? Cause’ your actions are seriously contradicting your words right now. He reveals his sexuality to you and you shut him off-‘

‘I didn’t shut him off! I’m trying to talk to him but he is not giving me a chance!’

‘What exactly should he give you a chance for? A lecture on how he should change his sexual orientation? Man no one wants to hear that! No one should be hearing that. He doesn’t deserve this Jinyoung’

‘I just-’

‘You want him to be happy, then accept him! He is attracted to men. Big deal!

At that images of Taehyung and Mark flashed in his mind and involuntarily his face scrunched up.

‘You look disgusted’ Jackson accused with a look of absolute disbelief

‘I-I just-it’s not acceptable here. Liking someone from the same sex, it seems unnatural‘

‘Unnatural?’ Jackson challenges while looking at him incredulously. He quickly takes his phone out from his pocket while shaking his head and shows it Jinyoung ‘This is unnatural Jinyoung, the technology we use every day is unnatural, planes we fly in are unnatural, all the luxury you use to pamper yourself is unnatural. But you never complain about that do you?’

Jinyoung purses his lips as the feeling of guilt pooling his stomach starts making him feel nauseous.

‘Get this fact in your head Jinyoung: Mark is not unnatural. Do you think we consciously choose who we are attracted to? Do you think he purposely chose this for himself when he knows that even though he is doing nothing wrong, he is surrounded by people who will think otherwise?’

Jinyoung went silent as the words settled in his mind. He never meant that Mark was unnatural but now he could hear what he actually sounded like. What he sounded like to Mark when he said it to his face. He closed his eyes and covered his face with his hands, wanting to disappear.

‘I don’t want to hurt him Jackson’ He whispered vulnerably when Jackson removed his hands to look at him ‘But I don’t know what to do’

Jackson’s expression softened as he saw Jinyoung wasn’t doing it out of malice, but more like out of confusion. He was hurting too.

‘He needs you to support him Jinyoung and you can’t do it like this. Not while you are so ignorant.’

Jinyoung stayed quiet, not even defending himself.

‘If you truly want this situation to improve, then educate yourself on this topic. I’m willing to help, but you have to promise to keep an open mind. Can you do that? For Mark?’

Jinyoung looked at Jackson and a felt a surge of hope rushing through him. He could go to Mark right now and say that he accepts everything but it would be a lie. He wants to understand. He wants to be comfortable with the idea of two men being together. He wants to be honest with Mark.

He nods at Jackson who in return looks super relieved at Jinyoung’s decision.

‘Come on, let’s go in then’ Jackson says while opening the door to the building. Jinyoung again just nods and follows the elder quietly.

‘How did you find out about this? Did Mark tell you himself’ Jackson asks, his voice having lost its earlier bite. He was curious since knowing Mark, he would want to keep something like this to himself for as long as possible. So he was curious as to why he suddenly decided to confide in Jinyoung of all people to his secret.

‘I-I saw him with Taehyung’ He said, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible ‘Kissing’ he realized he failed when Jackson looked at him an unreadable expression. To his surprise, Jackson didn’t reprimand him like he expected instead just grimaced ‘man that’s just too complicated but explains so much’ he muttered

‘What?’ Jinyoung questioned but Jackson just shook his head ‘Nothing. Let’s just go, we don’t want to be late’ He changed the topic, but Jinyoung didn’t push further.’

He grew up seeing homosexuality as an abnormal lifestyle, something that is unspeakable and should be avoided. But if it’s as wrong as the world wants him to believe, how can Mark be a part of it? Someone as good as Mark cannot be a part of something so wrong then maybe something was wrong with the world instead. He would do this for Mark, but also for himself. He will try to understand and learn about this.

 

Next day, it was noon when Mark woke up. He was surprised the younger still hasn’t packed up his bags and made run for it. He figured by his reaction, he would be out of here by the next day but his stuff was still here. Avoiding Jinyoung wasn’t hard since by now he was a pro at it and with everything that happened and was happening, he really didn’t want to see his face.

Roaming around the kitchen, he started to look around what to have for breakfast when he spotted a tray of covered food. He quickly uncovered it and hated himself as felt his heart skip a beat. It wasn’t the first time Jinyoung did this for him but doing it for him now didn’t make any sense.

There was a delicious looking egg sandwich and a glass of orange juice, his stomach growled at the sight but then his gaze fell on the note next to it.

‘Have an eggcellent day hyung! Eat well’

Mark’s eyes widened at the note and he almost snorted at the lame pun. Why was Jinyoung doing this? Acting so normal. Was he just to going to pretend like nothing happened? Mark’s heart kept flipping at the gesture, but he kept reminding himself that it didn’t mean anything. It could never mean anything. He touched the note and found another note attached to it from behind that said:

‘I know you are upset with me hyung, but please don’t take it out on the food. Please eat.’

‘Upset with him, what an understatement’ Mark thought as he sighed in frustration. As much as he wanted to reject Jinyoung’s loving gestures, he also didn’t see the point of wasting all this good food. So he sat and devoured everything in the plate. A full stomach indeed means a happier mood, or at least that’s what he told himself. His improved mood couldn’t possibly be because of Jinyoung’s actions. No, he will not let himself admit that just to get hurt again.

It was easier said than done because when he went around the apartment doing what he normally did, he found out that Jinyoung left notes for him at pretty much every step.

Some were like:

‘You wanted to try this, I came across it yesterday. Hope you like it’ posted on the golden bottle of the Molten Brown Black Peppercon Body wash.

While others were just plain weird

‘Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!’ The lame dad joke was posted on the refrigerator magnets.

Needless to say, Mark was very confused at what Jinyoung was trying to pull off with this. Jinyoung’s rejection was still fresh in his mind and so was the feeling of betrayal. He didn’t know what to feel about this all. He didn’t want to act normal and let Jinyoung go back to how things were before. If he couldn’t accept Mark, then he needed to stop doing all this. Stop giving him hope.

That’s when he saw another note on the coffee table saying ‘Read me :)’

Sighing he picked it up and carefully opened it up to see the younger’s neat handwriting again.

‘Don’t mistake these for an apology. I owe that to you face-to-face. These are just to help you smile throughout the day.

I’m trying hyung. Don’t give up on me yet’

After reading the same message at least 50 times, he put the note back in its place. Half-baffled and half-frustrated, he just sits there in the couch pondering about what Jinyoung means. He wants to apologize? If he does, then why isn’t he doing it? what’s he waiting for? He didn’t want to be even slightly hopeful but it’s easier to live when you have faith. If Jinyoung means what he thinks he means then this will not be anything less than a miracle.

Sighing for umpteenth time that day, he can’t help but wonder what is the younger up to now? What does Jinyoung have planned?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii! Back again with another updateee! Things are moving forward........slowlyyy! More than half of the chapter was from Jinyoung's POV for a change since showing what he felt through all this was just as important. Let me know what you all think ^^ I promise there will be more Markjin interaction in the upcoming chapters so don't give up on meee! Haha love you all <3 Thank you so much for reading! :D


	10. Time for Resolution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mark and Jinyoung sort things out for the better.

Weeks had passed and things were changing between Mark and Jinyoung, even if Mark didn’t notice or refused to notice. He still didn’t know what Jinyoung was up to these days because despite of living in the same apartment, Mark wouldn’t spare a glance at the younger.

But he wasn’t blind to everything Jinyoung was doing for him. Making him breakfast before he would leave for practice, sometimes he would even bring him dinner from his favorite restaurants but what really caught Mark’s attention was that he never forced him to eat with him. Not that Mark would anyway, but he appreciated how Jinyoung gave him the space he needed. Jinyoung wasn’t asking anything in return for everything he was doing and even though Mark hated to admit, it was melting his heart little by little.

When the weather got slightly colder, one night he came back to find new sweaters in his room, hanging neatly in front of his cupboard. If asked, Jinyoung would probably say Jaebum or Jackson got that for him but Mark wasn’t stupid. He knew the younger’s taste and his motherly instincts that probably compelled him to buy this when he caught Mark sneezing the other day.

Mark was used to being in the receiving end of Jinyoung’s care but given the circumstances, it was a bit frustrating. It was giving him hope that Jinyoung might have changed his mind and he hated the thought of being let down again. Therefore, he refused to surrender to optimism and chose to wallow in self-pity instead.

But the differences were there, regardless of whether or not Mark acknowledged them. He would still do petty shit like leaving the room once the younger entered, slamming the door in the process or not responding when Jinyoung would call out to him in his soft mellow voice and just skilfully ignore Jinyoung’s hurt expression even though the guilt would be clawing at his insides later. Jinyoung didn’t seem to be discouraged though; he kept showering Mark with all these gestures that was driving the elder crazy. And maybe it worked because slowly the doors were not being slammed, but closed gently, the need to disappear from the room the moment Jinyoung entered also went away and while he still refused to talk or look at the younger, Mark became more open to accepting all of his gestures.  

This went on for another week before something unusual happened. Mark came back from his daily walks to find Jinyoung sitting on the chair, facing him. It was only 6, so the younger was still supposed to be at practice but it was clear from his body language that he was waiting for him instead.

Walking in cautiously, he looked anywhere but at Jinyoung even though somehow he knew this time he will be stopped. All those gestures must have been building up to something bigger and sure enough, Jinyoung spoke

‘Hyung, can we please talk?’ The pleading in his voice was so intense that Mark couldn’t help but look up and that was a mistake too. He hadn’t looked at the younger for so long that now looking at Jinyoung made his heart drop. There were bags under his eyes, his hair was a mess and his eyes so desperate, begging Mark to not leave. It took everything it had in him to not reach out and fix his hair for him, like he used to do all the time.

‘What is there to talk about Jinyoung?’ His own voice was soft, no hint of anger probably because Jinyoung’s appearance dissipated all of it. ‘Didn’t you say everything you wanted to say last time?’

Jinyoung visibly flinched at that reminder and averted his eyes for a second before looking at Mark with a new kind of determination.

‘Give me one chance to explain myself. Just one and I’ll never bother you again, but please just give me one chance, listen to what I have to say and then-’

‘Is it along the lines of ‘date girls and get over this phase’ kind of thing? In that case I’m good Jinyoung-’

‘NO! Please I don’t want to say anything like that. I know I was an idiot. A homophobic one. Just listen to what I have to say, see where all that ignorance came from, see where I come from and then I won’t force you anymore. You have my word.’

Mark would be lying if he wasn’t shocked at Jinyoung’s words. Did he just admit he was homophobic? Is he going to apologize, is that what this is all about? Mark’s heart was racing as he considered the possibility and nodded reluctantly at Jinyoung when he heard another ‘Please Mark’.

‘Sit with me please’

Mark took a seat next to Jinyoung, making sure that there was a reasonable distance between them and ignored how Jinyoung’s face fell at that. He didn’t think he would ever talk with Jinyoung again but maybe it was the desperation in the younger’s eyes or his choice of words that made him agree to this. What was the worst that could happen? If Jinyoung again says some insensitive shit, he can always run away to another place, city, country. He had always been good at running away from his problems.

‘Thank you’ Jinyoung said, and while he sounded genuinely thankful that Mark was giving him a chance, the elder couldn’t help but notice Jinyoung’s fidgeting. It made him jump to the worst conclusion.

‘If you’re uncomfortable around me Jinyoung then you don’t have to do this’ Again Mark’s voice was void of any anger. It was like he was stating a fact, straight and simple.

Jinyoung chuckled bitterly

‘I’m uncomfortable…and ashamed but not at you. At me’ When Mark raised his eyebrows in surprise, Jinyoung continued.

‘Every look at you reminds me of the stuff I said to you, straight to your face and it makes me sick.’

When Mark didn’t say anything but just furrowed his eyebrows showcasing his confusion, Jinyoung gave a small smile filled with the guilt he was talking about.

‘I grew up believing there is only one way to do things Mark. Everything was black and white, people around me never focused on the shades of grey and sexuality was just one of things that fell into that. It remained a topic that was never touched upon. It’s a forbidden thought in our society Mark, people who don’t see it as a crime, see it as disability that needs to be treated…….like I did’.

‘Y-You did? You mean you now don’t?’ Mark stammered as he cut in. The more Jinyoung spoke, the more restless he became. Jinyoung stared at him with glassy eyes as he shook his head and Mark swore he could hear his heart thumping out loud.

‘I reacted so badly when you came out to me, partly because I never saw this coming. It wasn’t a topic I had ever thought about and I didn’t know what to say and what I did manage to say was quite possibly the worst thing that could’ve come out of my mouth.’ 

Jinyoung swallowed nervously, as if he was remembering the exact moment everything happened while Mark just processed what was being said to him.  

‘What changed Jinyoung? What changed your mind?’ Mark could hear the optimism he had been fighting all these weeks, seeping into his words.

‘A little bit of willingness, a little bit education and a little bit of Jackson’

When Mark’s eye widened at the mention of Jackson, Jinyoung chuckled softly.

‘Yeah Jackson helped me out with the educational aspect of it. Called me an ignorant asshole who reads a lot but doesn’t learn shit. I guess that hit me like a bucket of cold water’ Jinyoung paused as Mark inwardly chuckled at Jackson’s antics.

‘When you get over yourself and the beliefs that are planted in you, you really start seeing everything in a new light. It’s enlightening to say the least so I have no hard feelings against Jackson or his string of curses he kept throwing at me when he thought I wasn’t listening’

At that Mark let out a soft smile and saw how Jinyoung’s eyes lit up at his reaction before he continued.

‘He helped a lot. But’ He turned to look at Mark ‘It was you who changed everything

‘Me?’

‘You made all the difference. I hate to say this but I would have probably surrendered to my conservative beliefs if it was anyone else, I would’ve probably succumbed into the ‘same-sex attraction wrong and abnormal’ wormhole and would’ve made no effort to change that mentality, but you….you made me do the most important thing ever……you made me question it Mark. You made me question the unjust societal laws and that changed everything’

Mark was just sitting as Jinyoung talked. His heart was clenching every time Jinyoung was saying something he wanted to hear. His eyes were getting blurry and he wanted to do nothing more than just let it all out but he stops himself because no, not yet.

‘I just kept thinking that someone like you could never do anything so terrible. And if you are a part of something so terrible, then maybe it isn’t terrible to begin with. You’re the best person I know, the closest friend I have and if I’ve known anything about you, then it’s that you are as good as a person can possibly get and I can’t live without you.’

Jinyoung came closer as Mark’s eyes betrayed him and tears streamed down his face. He wiped them off before Jinyoung could and bit his lip as Jinyoung continued.

‘I’m saying all this to you because I know I’ve hurt you like you’ve never been hurt before Mark. I know you didn’t deserve a reaction like this. No one deserves a reactions like this when they come out to their friends. You trusted me to tell me something so important and I let you down. Repeatedly.’

Jinyoung suddenly got down on both his knees and held Mark’s hands, slightly sobbing. Mark’s eyes were as wide as possible. He honestly didn’t think an apology would be able to mend the damage that was done, but seeing Jinyoung, listening to what he is saying made him feel that maybe yes, he was missing half the story. And that Jackson was right, he was being too harsh on someone who grew up believing one thing and now is making an effort to believe in something new. For him.

‘I know a sorry can’t take everything back but please forgive me Mark. You asked me if I could accept you, knowing you were gay but now I’m begging you to please accept me. I’ve been a terrible friend but please forgive me. Please I’m sorry Mark. I’m sorry for what I did to you but please I’m willing to change and learn and understand. I want to support you in every way, beat up anyone who doesn’t and show you that you are perfect the way you are. Let me be a part of your life again, don’t push me away Mark don’t push me away’

By the end Jinyoung was crying and so was Mark. The apartment was filled with the sound of their soft sobs and Jinyoung looked up at Mark, anticipating his reply. The impact and weight of his words had left Mark feeling dizzy. He could again see the desperation but this time there was a hint of hope in the younger’s eyes and Mark knew all too well what it felt like to get that hope crushed. He wouldn’t do that Jinyoung.

Slowly, he nodded his head with a smile watching Jinyoung’s face go from anxious to relieved to just pure happiness. It warmed Mark’s heart to see that Jinyoung looked like he could barely believe it as more tears fell from his eyes and he wiped them off with his sleeves.

‘Can I hug you please?’

Mark chuckled and raised his arms to which Jinyoung responded by slamming his body into Mark’s, almost knocking the wind out of the elder. He was embracing him so tightly that Mark was pretty sure he was going to leave bruises but he could feel Jinyoung’s happiness and that made it very hard not to smile.

‘Can I give you a kiss too?’ Jinyoung mumbled, still trapping Mark in the tightest hug of mankind.

‘Okay now you’re pushing it. Which one of us is gay again?’

Mark felt Jinyoung’s laughter vibrating through his chest and it made him smile wider. Maybe things were going to be alright.

‘I missed you so much hyung’

Yeah, it's alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hi! I know this chapter update soooooooo late! and I'm really really sorry but work and classes have been crazy. Also, i wrote like 400-500 words for this chapter like 3-4 weeks ago but then I couldn't find it where I saved it >.< I lost the file and along with that I lost my motivation - one of the reasons for the delay. I'm so sorry but please let me know what you thought of this chapter! It was a major one and I was scared to write it. Is it too rushed? too uneventful? or is it okay? Let me know in the comments please! That's an instant motivation booster haha! Thank you so much for reading guys! 


	11. Comfort In Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Exchanging words of comfort, reassurance and few lies.

‘I’m so glad you’re back’ He whispered, but it was loud enough for Jinyoung to hear and appreciate.

 

‘Me too’ The younger mumbled back. They were sitting on the living room couch and Jinyoung hadn’t completely released Mark from their makeup hug. He was holding him firmly but gently, with the elder’s back pressed up against his chest. Not that Mark minded. Their embrace was strangely intimate but neither thought much about it. The desperate need to be close to each other outweighed everything else.

 

‘I’m sorry I took so long’ Jinyoung said, his voice just as gentle ‘I somehow always end up hurting you’ The guilt in his voice worried Mark

 

‘You changed what you have been believing in for all your life. For me. You have no idea how happy you made me’ He ressasurred the other ‘You hurt me and you make mistakes but you always correct them and patch me up later. You always come back Jinyoung’

 

Mark felt something wet on his shoulder and he immediately turned around to face Jinyoung because the other was sniffling.

 

 ‘Hey’

 

He made sure to make his voice firm but it wavered slightly. In his defence, they were way to close for him to function normally but Jinyoung didn’t seem to notice or care about their proximity.

 

‘Don’t cry. We’re okay Jinyoungie’

 

At that, a small but beautiful smile graced the younger’s features.

Shaking his head and slightly chuckling, he look at the elder ‘I’ve missed you calling me that’ he confessed, his voice so fond ‘I missed everything about you. God I was such a fucking idiot.’

 

Mark felt heat rush to his face but he refused to be flustered in a moment like this

 

‘Language Jinyoungiee!’ He exclaimed, followed by a fake gasp ‘When did you become so foul?’

 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes playfully and hugged him again like the elder was plushie. Mark loved it. ‘Don’t ruin the moment hyung.’

 

* * *

* * *

 

After the heartfelt apologies and talk, Mark felt his relationship with the younger was closer than usual. Maybe it was just the fact that Jinyoung knew him better now and accepted the side he was so terrified of revealing, but he felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his chest.

 

One of things Mark loved about how they were together was that Jinyoung never avoided talking about what had happened. His sexuality and their blow-up wasn’t something they avoided touching upon and that made Mark feel secure. Jinyoung would ask questions out of curiosity and that stopped him from feeling like a dirty secret. He couldn’t ask for anything more.

 

‘Jinyoung’

 

They were again on the couch watching some stupid hollywood comedy movie that Mark couldn’t give two shits about.

 

‘Yeah?’

 

‘D-Do they other members know? Like I mean about me?’ It was a question that was bothering him for quite some. Jinyoung furrowed his brows until he understood what Mark was asking.

 

‘No no. I mean Jackson does, since you told him but I would never tell anyone, not unless you want me do.’ Mark let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. ‘Do you want them to know hyung?’

 

Mark sighed softly ‘I don’t know Jinyoung. I don’t know how they will react.’ He looked at him ‘I want them to know but….I’m scared’ He was surprised to see that Jinyoung looked guilty as he averted his eyes.’

 

‘Yeah’ Jinyoung murmured ‘I would be too if my best friend shunned me out when he found out. I would never have the courage to tell others after that’

 

Mark would be lying if he said Jinyoung was wrong. They had made up for the better but memories of everything that happened and everything Jinyoung had said, is still very clear in his mind. The pain is still clear. But then again, he knows there is no point in dwelling in past. Things had changed for the better and he was going to happily accept them. And he was going to make Jinyoung accept it as well.

 

‘Watch it punk, that’s my best friend you are talking about’ Mark threatened with a completely straight face and arms crossed over his chest. ‘My favourite person in the whole wide world so a word against him and I’ll pummel you’.

 

He saw Jinyoung look up surprised; the guilt morphing into something like gratitude and his lips slightly quirking up. Mark mentally gave himself a pat in the back.

 

‘Yeah? Well he is a shitty person and will probably rot in hell for what he did. What kind of a person hurts their best friend?’ The younger retorted, but his voice was lighter.

 

‘All kinds you brat. Relationships grows stronger with fights. People grow stronger after fights. Now my best friend and I are stronger than ever. Also, if he goes to hell I’m pretty sure all the angels will swap places to be with him. He is that loveable.’

 

It was borderline flirting but Jinyoung was failing to keep himself from smiling so Mark couldn’t bring himself to care.

 

‘You love him that much huh?’

 

_You have no fucking idea_

 

‘Yes, he is favourite donsaeng.’

 

‘Even after what he did to you?’

 

‘He is my baby. I can’t be mad at him for long even if he acts like an ass sometime.’

 

Jinyoung starts laughing then, eye whiskers on full display, making Mark’s heart race.

 

‘And he is…..?’ Jinyoung asks, looking very pleased and making a drum roll motion with his hands.

 

Pause

 

‘Jackson’ Mark deadpanned

 

‘Yah!’

 

* * *

* * *

  

‘Can i ask you a question?’

 

Mark looked up from his soggy cereal to see Jinyoung look a bit hesitant. When Mark nodded with a smile, Jinyoung bit his lip, clearly having a mental struggle of whether or not he should be doing this.

 

‘Jinyoung. What’s wrong?’

 

‘Nothing’ When Mark gave him a unimpressed look, the younger relented ‘I-I was just wondering if you know, you were um’ he cleared his throat, making Mark grow even more impatient ‘if you were dating Taehyung’ he finished softy.

 

Mark’s eyes widened and he could see Jinyoung was a bit nervous. ‘Why does it matter Jinyoung? Are you uncomfortable with the idea?’ He wanted to sound calm but it came out bit like an accusation.

 

Panic flared in Jinyoung’s eyes and he shook his head vigorously.

 

‘No no no hyung! I was asking because I-I kind of interrupted you guys the last time and it lead to everything and I was just scared that I rui-’

 

‘Jinyoung’ Mark cut in ‘We aren’t dating. He made a move and I responded but we never contacted each other after that.’ Well it was true for the most part. Taehyung had messaged him to check on him, but it wasn’t important enough to mention it. Jinyoung might not be uncomfortable but Mark knew they weren’t at the stage where they could giggle like girlfriends about their romantic prospects. Not that he wanted that in the first place.

 

Jinyoung on the other hand, nodded dumbly. He hated the relief he felt when he heard those words. He didn’t want to be homophobic. He wanted to support Mark and his relationships. Then why did he have to fake it?

 

‘I’m sorry hyung. It’s just blatant curiosity and I didn’t know how to approach the topic. I felt responsible of how things might have ended between you and him so that’s why I asked. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.’

 

Mark shook his head ‘No I know, I know, don’t apologize. I got too defensive’ He chuckled and Jinyoung relaxed

 

‘But would you be okay if I do start dating someone? I-If I start dating a guy?’

 

Jinyoung gulped and stared at Mark. He forced a smile in his face despite the mental images of Mark doing romantic and intimate things with a faceless man that made his heart clench. ‘I will hyung. I will support you no matter who you date’ His voice came out so confident that even he was surprised. He was an actor after all.

 

He was also the shittiest person in the world. He didn’t deserve Mark’s blind trust and faith in him.

 

Mark on the other hand had mixed feelings. He was beyond relieved to hear Jinyoung’s words and so grateful for his support, but the other part of him, the lovesick part of him felt disheartened. He really deserved a punch in the face. Here the younger was showing his support and practically giving his blessings to pursue someone finally and yet here he was feeling his heart break little by little. Nevertheless he put on a smile that he hoped conveyed his gratitude.

 

‘By the way’ Mark spoke up ‘I’ve decided to tell the members’

 

That got Jinyoung’s attention as his lips parted in shock ‘really?’

 

Mark nodded ‘Do you think it’s a bad idea?’

 

‘No’ He disagreed firmly ‘It’s not a bad idea. I’m really proud of you’

 

He really was. He couldn’t imagine the amount of courage it must be taking for Mark to do this right after Jinyoung had single-handedly destroyed every ounce of confidence and hope the elder must have taken, no doubt, a long time to gather. He felt weak and wanted to succumb to self-reproach but he needed to be strong for Mark.

 

Mark chuckled softly ‘Yeah if it turns out badly, I’ll still have you and Jackson right?’

 

‘You’ll always have us.’ He smiled reassuringly ‘You’ll always have me’

 

He saw Mark’s cheeks turn slightly pink and he couldn’t help but grin at that. His hyung was too adorable for his own good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah so I'm alive >< I know I'm the worst at giving updates and the last chapter was updated towards the end of November and I'm so sorry! My personal life has been so unstable and busy that I just couldn't make time for writing fics. Anyway, I hope you guys haven't given up on this story so please come back! I would do aegyo for you guys if I was cute :p Let me know what you guys think. This chapter is definitely on the shorter side but hopefully the next chap would be better. Love you guyss! Don't leave me  (◕‿◕✿)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there people! After writing a one-shot, I decided to write a angsty chaptered fic (obviously about markjin xD). It will be a slow burn so please don't expect them to get together after a few chapters ahaha. Hope you guys like it ^^ 
> 
> I'm only an amateur writer and not a native speaker so please bear with me and my grammatical errors and/or typos. 
> 
> Love you all! 


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